Feeling downright rotten. Sorceresses, Fucked-up Fairytales and Major Spewing.

For a multitude of reasons.

So many unspoken things have come crashing out in the event that things changed for us all. I turned 18, never realizing that a frickin' wall of TONS of things would come crashing down on my head... which it just so conveniently did.

The Craft calls for me now to take the reigns... yet again, as it did when I took four others under my wing several years ago. They call that i learn to assert myself more than ever, with the passing of certain... tests to my shoulders.

Fux. Honestly, this REALLY, REALLY bites. Knowing not what I can do really, really bites. I mean, what the fuck am I supposed to do regarding several things now? Hunh? GOD! I'm facing SO MANY things from all sides that my head's bloody spinning to the point that I think - I really just think that it might suddenly just roll off my shoulders and go ker-plunk on the ground.

. . .

I'm working on a new project. I mean, hey, I love AB and all, but I can't work on it when I'm on this fucking angst trip. Hence... Storybook Confessions.

I won't go into detail just yet... that's the beauty of it all - the goddamned beauty of this idea, is that I refuse to share it with anyone at this point. Harle, yes, I have called her for constructive criticism, but this baby is totally hands off to anyone else. Meaning, I am taking no bloody suggestions, no requests.

I only hope that by the time I'm through with it, I have enough in me to continue Of the Four and Autumn's Bounty. Goddess knows I'm just short of letting the two fics stagnante. Knock on wood, and all.

. . .

Now to the topics I really wanna address.

Y'know... it's really, really hilarious that some people percieve my life as charmed. They think I'm pretty lucky.. sometimes, I kinda believe that too. I mean, what girl doesn't love a good fairytale, right? What girl - what person doesn't want their life to be a.b.s.o.l.u.t.e.l.y peachy and fabulous and basically.. happy.

Everyone does, right?

But - GEEZ! - get real, people, you're talking to a person who's technically, fucking jaded enough to swear as casually as she does, to NOT give a damn about what people who used to matter think. To actually GIVE UP on several ideologies.

Kindly insert John Mayer's My Stupid Mouth riiiight here. Because that's one helluva song that speaks the truth.

I'd rather be a mystery than she desert me. --> Change the 'she' to 'they' and maybe we'll get somewhere.

Half the time I really wanna think that I'm letting it all out. That I'm being as honest as possible - most especially to the people who MATTER. Half the time before I drift of to sleep I realize just how much I refrain from telling. It's not lying... heaven forbid I end up doing that... no... it's a mere deletion of things that should be said - that I don't, naturally, because I know just how mean I can be when I start talking.

My darling Harle told me the other... oh, a couple of days back when I asked her: Do I look like the tpe to walk first? Three guesses as to what she said, and the first two don't count.

Yeah. I do.

A couple of months(?) ago... I don't even think it was months... I complained on my main bloggie that none of my male friends ever baby me... that they all percieve me as this really strong personality who can handle things herself. And Doggieniichan actually commented that he never thought it would matter so much to me because I looked strong and exuded that kind of aura that people think I don't understand weakness.

Well, la-dee-da. THANKS for the evaluation, but NO THANKS.

HONESTLY! Do I really SEEM that way? Because, y'know, perception CAN be wrong. First impressions NEVER always hold and sometimes, people should really THINK before passing verdict on someone else. Gyah! That's the kind of people I TRY my best to avoid. I even kick myself into reason when I end up doing that. heck, I'm human - but PLEASE! You're my friends. I hang out with your guys on Wednesdays or whenever else and this is how you all see me?

Thank Goddess for small favors like Harle, who I actually get to clear things up with. And for Kai, who is possibly the first person to openly ASK if I'm okay, or if I need anything. Who tells me to take care of myself.

Fuck. So what if I wanna play Messiah? What if I want to save the whole goddamned world? - That's me. It adds a little more meaning into my life. A little more REASON for my being as emotional as I am.

Y'know... right before my debut... my Mom and I got into so many fights because she feels (actually she and my dad) as if I don't have any direction in life. and shit - it's been that way ever since i realized that my world could come crashing down. It crashes down every so often I wonder why it doesn't just SINK into the blasted ocean. Let the waves swallow it all up like Atlantis. It's getting really - REALLY stupid trying to fix everything.

But, y'know? I stick to it. Quoting Silver from Treasure Planet, 'Chart your own course.' Anybody notice that I'm trying?!

I picked my own religion for crying out loud - a religion that advocates soul searching and feels better and more right for me than anything else I've ever known. It encourages me to reflect and think without the obligations of going on a particular day or such. No offense, guys... I've nothing against Christianity... I've been there, it just didn't work for me.

I mean, at least where I am, I can heal EVERY SINGLE DAY.

And sometimes, it's pretty good because I end up with new creative ideas bursting that i can actually BREATHE at the end of the day.

. . .

Gyah... fux. i have other issues to address... mayb e it's best that I list them down. Give at least a semblance of order into this entry instead of rambling on and on and sounding like a bloody broken record.

Topics:
1. Athens
2. Isis
3. Lars

Note that I left the topic that's been bothering me the most at the last. Well. Hmph.

. . .

Athens.

What can i say... I mean it's not like I don't exactly worry a lot... it's not like you've been scaring the fuxing-bejezuz out of me for the past few days with your dark posts, scaring me straightaway to the Summerlands and back.

Look, who is this you're talking about? I think I have a clue... but I'd rather not talk, considering that things are what they are at present. I mean, heck... if it IS the person I think you're talking about then maybe it'd be best that you give that persona clue so that he/she/it can REALIZE what exactly your feeling and reach out and H-E-L-P you.

We psychologists/psychiatrists/shrinks can only do so much. Heck - we're not bloody mind-readers if you catch my drift. And when our... 'charges' go awry and go really down the bend, shut us out and the whole frickin' enchilada - well... we fail. And we BLEED. And we cry knowing... feeling that MAYBE, if we'd possibly gotten a little more cooperation on our charges' part, we might have done something to address the issue.

Yes. Even the most 'saintly' of people blame others when they have no one else to blame.

For cryin' out loud Athens - you've seen me grow up! You've seen me frickin' bleed and rant and rave and cry and bolt myself up inside because the teears wouldn't fuxing stop. I am talking about more than one occassion cher... more than one 'walk out'. More than one crash of reality on my shoulders.

Any wonder why I don't believe as much anymore? Any wonder why I take everything that's happening with a frickin' grain of salt.

CP was the last thing I wanted to believe in. And right now, even him... even his image is fading from my mind so fast that I forget what it's like to feel wanted. To feel NEEDED. To feel LOVED.

I find myself mad at my Mom for hoping and crossing her fingers with regards to Captain Cardboard. Yes, the man's a stupendous jerk. Yes, the man's a moron for walking. And I'm an even bigger one for realizing just how much he still means to me. How much all the pastothers still mean to me.

But y'know what works for me? (Yes, I thank my hockey coach for teaching me problem solving of the productive kind.) Just brushing it all off. I mean, hey, I love them, they love me back for a time, and then decide they wanna walk. I cry, lose myself to insanity for a couple of months... for a couple of weeks, and then BA-BOOM. It's all better. Tape my broken heart together and move on.

That IS what everyone's been trying to tell me. With Darien. With Franco. Just move on and don't expect anything when they come waltzing back into your life like it's the most NORMAL thing in the world for them to do.

Riiiight. And what about me, hunh? What about ME??? I mean, don't you guys ever consider that I NEVER STOP LOVING EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU? That it just kills me to tamp down the emotions kasi bawal eh... kasi hindi na talaga pwede. I've come to grips with reality and well, let's just say that Avril's Losing Grip speaks more truth than is comforting to a person.

I end my piece.


. . .

[4:45 in the afternoon]

Isis.

Perhaps... talking to you on the phone right before I get to really blog isn't such a good idea... but a good idea all the same. glad we cleared things up Sis, i just hope you'll be more... open to me in the coming weeks because I REALLY do miss you, (and our hourly bonding sessions) and I love you and i would never do anything to hurt you.

Hope you come back on blogger soon... people miss you na.

Always.


. . .


Lars.

Y'know... you'd think his name would be SO worn out by now... which is funny because that isn't even his real name.

Look, I'm on a fucking rampage now... even IF I did talk and cry to Harle over the phone because everything's just so totally fucked up and I couldn't tell Isis (I'm sorry love... connected kasi yung issues dito...) and I don't know at this point if I'm ready to share the whole stupid thing with Mai and Kai (no offense loves, i will, eventually... just give me a little time to adjust...).

So here we are. Here I am.

For those who've been through the hell/heaven-ish process of working my debut 'round the clock for the past few weeks, y'all know that i was COMPLETELY AGAINST Franco's attendance to the event up until my aunt, my mom, my cousin Dane and yes, even Isis so conveniently ganged up on me.

To my sources, even Ice and Meloi (two friends from my highschool barkada) wanted me to go for it.

Sorry darlings... despite whatever you know now, I WAS completely against it, which was the reason i was testy (sorry Mom, Flip, and everybody else who felt the tip of my sharpened tongue.) for the following weeks.

I was happy - AM happy with the life I lead. Make no mistakes, I screw up, yes, I have so far, but I was fine... and completely devoid of any plans to finding romance anywhere.

But after that night. Well what can I say but 'fuck'. Considering that what I expected to happen DID happen... and is still plaguing my entire system.

...

Dammit! Pag aalis kayo 'wag na kayong bumalik! YOU HEAR ME?!

I WAS FINE. THE BOTH OF YOU! At ang kapal -kapaaaaaal ng mga mukha niyong biglang sumipot uli sa buhay ko!

Dagnabit! YOU were the ones who WALKED. I've had to fucking LIVE with rampant, out-of-control emotions because it fucking hurts, if you've nticed to look into your eyes and feel everything - every goddamned memory rushing back at you - FULL, SPEED , AHEAD.

Shit. It NEVER occured to ANY of you that just how DAMAGING it was. LEARNING PROCESS MY ASS! It HURT like farden hell! Thank GOD(dess) for people like Sam and Krys, Ekai and Maia, Mac and Charles, Hope, Karen, Veron and Cheska for keeping me sane.

I NEVER want to hear another holier-than-thou crack. (This is not for Lars. This is for someone else.) About whatever it is that's crawled up your ass because frankly - I CANNOT play the saint, the good person any longer.

I am NOT an angel. Geezuz, you'd think you'd re-evaluate the meaning efore you tag someone that, hm?

I am avatar to the Sea Goddess, filled with all her wrath and her anguish, her hate. i may be compassionate but NEVER EVER consider me and my tears to be weak.

You left. Me. You - WALKED out the door and left me for 'dead' inside. Never once thinking. Always assuming that it could go back to the way it was once before. 'Let's just be friends'. BULLSHIT.

I can't help ANY of you if you don't LET ME. And you always had to doubt my love, my attention, my devotion.

Don't talk to me now I'm too pissed to care.

________
Mel Out.