I need to spew. Yet again. And I don't like one bit of it.

*glares at her keyboard* I had written something... but unfortunately the stupid keyboard deleted it... somehow.

Ich.

So many things have happened in the past 48 hours, and I honestly don't know what to think anymore.

There was the uproar that threatened to another blog-war (Harle, I agree, I don't want this anymore, it's too bloody tiring.), and then the now present US-Iraq War which many worry about considering... all things. Then there's the fact that school is wearing me thin in several areas... despite the fact that we are closing in a matter of roughly two weeks. Don't ask. Please, I haven't the brainmatter to explain what I've been through lately.

I will state though, that the man/woman who decides to invent a 3 1/2 floppy disk that can save more than 2000 KB, I will likely worship until the day I die.

The insanities of a computer project that refuses to save. Ich. My bad. Help.

Then there is the inner turmoil that has me wondering What in HELL?! am I doing as a 'mommy'/ big sister to these wonderful young girls who have decided to call me oneechan. ~I can't take this anymore.~ I have tried my best to be patient and... understanding, but some things have to be done.

It tears at me, and I seek advice from The Pantheon - my sisters, my friends. Anyone else who has two-cents to drop into my little tin can, I say it here and now that I appreciate it.

Now. I think I'll have to list the topics that I need to discuss lest I forget them and leave something important out.

My emotional health cannot take anymore information. I have to give a little output once in awhile.

. . .


1. Alessa
2. Maia
3. Another rant about Marie and Lars.


. . .

Sometimes I wonder if I'm any good at being a big-sister considering that I do have a temper that hitches when I am tired. I also happen to be someone who, when angered, has been known to eventually recieve enemies instead of friends.

God. Hope, Eden, Nenloth. My darlings. Sometimes I wonder if I should even be allowed to be your 'mommy' from time to time. Goddess knows I have tried and I have failed.

Now. I have to address this before it gets any worse.

Alessa ~ I will apologize here and now if I hurt your feelings. But never doubt that I care about you, and that I love you very much, and that I say this because I want you to improve and become a better person altogether. It depresses me and grates on my senses to think that here you are, in my care, and whatever opportunity given to me I might allow to slip away.

I have spoken to Eden about a lot of things. And a lot of these revolve around the fact that ~yes~, she is breaking away from you, and that she can't seem to see you as her bestfriend anymore.

Don't react yet. PLEASE. And if you cry I will not tell you to stop crying. But if you fail to listen some small part of me will hold that against you, because for the past few times that we've talked, you haven't listened to a word I've said.

I'm sorry if I haven't been replying on text. I'm sorry that somehow I haven't been able to call you even if I do get a breather in-between. I just can't picture myself giving you any more advice aside from the ones I'm going to tell you here and now.

You're using me and Eden as a crutch, 'Lessa. And that's not healthy at all. Eden, though she cares about you very much, can only do so much for you. She will not always be there, Less... believe me, I know how much things like that hurt. But life's the way it is. Painful, cold and unforgiving at times. Makes you actually wonder why live it at all.

The other time I spoke with you you told me that you wanted to join a gang. Or commit suicide. I remember I was fixing the covers of my Mom's bed at the time that we were talking. If you even listened to an ounce of what I said, Alessa, you wouldn't even consider that thought now.

No matter how 'painless' it all seems ~ Death, in all her/his wonderful glory is NOT the answer to your problems. It will NEVER BE THE ANSWER to the pain in your heart.

Take it from a girl who wanted it all to end back in her early days of High School. I went through the same thing. NO ONE bloody understood how I was, no one knew what I felt, or thought - most didn't even have the idea to ask. If only to get inside my head and help me out one way or another.

Instead, I was caught in a vicious-cycle of some sorts, always thinking that maybe when I get pushed enough I'll actually scrape enough skin to bleed a river.

Thank the Goddess for Athena and Isis. Who looked beyond my eyes to see what exactly I needed - which were the things I claimed I didn't.

Joining a gang or resorting to suicide isn't the answer. I'm repeating myself, but nevermind. It's better that I stress on that over and over again so that it gets pummeled into that little head of yours.

And GODDESS!!! Enough with the bloody Quatre-complex with all the apologies! Do you have anything to REALLY apologize for Lessa? Or do you say it simply because it sounds right on the tip of your tongue, even if it is empty.

(Warning: this is the harsh part.)

I am just about to give up on you, Alessa. Yes ~ Heaven forbid it to happen ever again, but I WILL give up on one of my babies if I feel that they DON'T listen to me, or even take into mind the advice that I've given with complete love.

Quoting my ex-boyfriend's advice which I now really understand ~ EDEN LEAVING YOUR LIFE, YOU SIDE - IS NOT THE BLOODY END OF THE WORLD.

It's high time you realized that.

She is TIRED, Alessa. Tired of having to have you lean too much on her, depend too much on her and constantly belittle your own abilitites which you set her on te highest pedestal known to man.

And what the hell ~ what happens when she fails you? What happens when she can't meet up to the idea that you've built around her? You, yourself won't be able to accept that she has chosen another way, another path and you will sink into denial and self-pity.

I DON'T WANT THAT FOR YOU. FROM YOU.

Goddess Lessa! You're incoming FOURTH YEAR at your school! You're SMART, you're fun to talk to , fun to be around. I could see it/hear it at the time that Eden called me up to introduce me to you. You're gifted, and you want to be NORMAL?!

That is possibly the biggest insult ever to be thrown in my face - or in the faces of those who I take under my care.

I never take imoutos unless they show promise, even if a couple of weeks back I was 'shamelessly advertising' for anyone who wanted to be one of my babies.

I took Nenloth in because she has spunk. And she's talented in drawing, and she knows how to be a good friend.

I'd been wanting to take Hope under my wing because she and I have a somewhat history together and because she's a wonderful writer and debater. Add to that that she's smart and funny and rivals Maia's warped sense of humor so much that you'd love to see what happens when you put them both together at a gathering at McDo.

I chose Eden because she and I click. Because she shows promise in so many aspects and because she, like the other two I mentioned earlier have that special quality that separates them from the norm.

I don't want ORDINARY. Heaven forbid that we should settle for being ordinary when there are so many extraordinary facets to who we are.

People are like diamonds, cher - the more facets, the more complexities, the more beautiful it is.

Sorry to say, some people in the world don't see it that way. Hence the fact that artists like musicians, and writers and actors are often misunderstood.

We have our little quirks. One may have a different sort of preference, or personal flair, making us more diverse than the next person sitting beside us in a classroom or on the train. We may be darki, broody, genki, silent, dangerous (in the good sense), and non-conformist to some degree, but in the end the one thing that links us all together is the basic fact that we are human.

And human beings - what differentiates us from the animals and plants and other living things that cannot be called human beings (I'm not saying that they are beneath us, because they're NOT) is the fact that we have desire to conform and be unique at the same time.

I love being a part of the Pantheon - but I can be so selfish as to wish that my songwriting style, and several parts of me be mine alone.

I look at Harle and Isis and Maia and Ekai as my equals and I would never consider myself to be over and above them... nor would I stoop into thinking that they are over and above me.

Let's take into mind the beauty of the pentagram. It's not an even number of points in the star istelf, but if you take a good look, these five points are equal in each aspect. Complementing the others in such a way that it does not overpower or be overpowered.

Unfortunately, you tip the scales to the extreme Alessa. And Eden cannot be that way for you anymore.

You're not improving love. And your breaking my heart along the way. And if the only way to make you grow up is to hurt you in the most painful way possible, then so be it. The Council lef tthe decision up to me, and I tell you now that I cannot teach you. I cannot take you under my wing any farther than you have come. I cannot risk failing you in the way I failed Moira* or Bridge*, Vivienne* and Nicole* ~ the former members of my initial coven.

Moira had too much will. Bridge clung to me like a leech. Vivienne didn't have enough Faith and Nicole withered away.

I never want to have to face that again. It's just too much - TOO GODDAMN MUCH for me to take.

You whine on your blog constantly Lessa, I see no productive entries. You don't tell us anything. And for those who would read your blog they wouldn't even stay any longer than to skim through your words and possibly disregard them.

: : : :

*sighs* --> I write this on the 24th of March <--

Lessa... you are still one of my babies... but I don't know what I can do to help you anymore, considering that sometimes it sonds like you don't want to be helped.

You aren't a burden to me so stop saying that. It seriously pisses me off.

The other half of me that's pissed is the harrassed part of my soul. Gah! The only good thing that came to my doorstep is the fact that this template *points to new BBD template* came just in time to pacify me.

*sighs* I will tackle the last two issues when I have time to breathe. Goddess. I want it to be summer already so that the only thing that'll drive me up the wall will be the arrangements for the debut.

Eden ~ for the love of everything - give Lessa her invite. I have to figure out how the hell to send Sofia's.

Hope ~ I'm glad that you like the new lay-out. MayStar has wonderful designs. Gah.

Harle ~ Cher... you are an absolute godsend. *laughs weakly* You know who I'm talking about. And what I'm thanking you for.

*sighs and looks at her sidebar* Methinks I need to fix my links... on both this and the other blog.

________________________
Mia D.

some people just shouldn't be allowed to breathe.

blame it on basic stupidity.

i WILL apologize for the fact that my *coughcough* language at this point is a LITTLE too violent. (Sorry Mama...)...but well. HM. See for yourselves.

taken from a blog which will NOT be mentioned for the sake of the pathetic little twit.

THIS WHOLE THING SUCKS
if ever someone replies to this blog, I will move the erase date to April 20. But if no one will, it will be terminated 10 days from now.

And by the way...I HATE LADY HARLEQUIN and her DISGUSTING little posse. YOU GUYS suck like hell! HYPOCRITES!!! This includes MAIA, REFE-CHAN, AELEISHA, FUCKWITTAGE (Agi!). Basta ang PANTHEON guid! You aren't critics at all! Just a bunch of BBBEEEEEAAAAATTTTCCCCHHHH!!!


my reply:

...stupidty leak.

HEL-LO?!

what in the goddamn bloody hell did WE ever do to you? i didn't even know you were around until YOU suddenly break out in absolute hives over something that honestly doesn't even make the least bit of sense.

you have our links on your sidebar, you BOTHER to read our blogs. and then you get mad - rant like everlasting hell about how 'bitchy' (thanks for the compliment SWEETIE. we are BITCH GODDESSES. it comes with the job description.) we are and what 'cowards' we are - when in fact YOU (sad to say) come off immature and incredibly inane.

you HAVE NOT stated why you hate us. GODDESS! i have never even met you!

GEEZ! even the argument with ~hope~ had more 'oomph' and SENSE than this sudden outburst. and look where we are. i love the darling. i consider her IMOUTO and therefore one of my own. it was a simple case of absolute miscommunication.

GET A **LIFE** kiddo. you're acting incredibly CHILDISH by making a scene.

and oh?

SO-FUCKIN'-WHAT if we REPLY and YOU delete this blog?! i mean, look - what's your FARDEN POINT?!

if you remove your blog... frankly, that's turning tail because you're too DAMN CHICKEN to recieve comments.

Eli-chan is okay. I LIKE her...despite the 'supposed' past history. live and let live, k? but you wouldn't know about that, would you?

AND - what the FUCKING HELL did cy ever do to you?! pweh! you come off SO DESPERATE for attention in general.

HIS. MAIA's. LADY H's. EKAI's. MINE. And ISIS'.

The Pantheon COULD CARE FUCKING LESS about what YOU think at this point. We know OUR WORTH.

evidently, you're TOO INSECURE to settle for simply shoot and aim.

are you even looking at your target.

better question: IS there a target?

and WHAT ABOUT THE WAY MAI TREATS THE ONLINE COMM?

She's MALAMBIBNG. that's how she REALLY IS. she's no different online than she is IRL. she's anything BUT a hypocrite.

PEOPLE LOVE HER. ask ANYONE. hn. look at the people who are her IMOUTO-TACHI. she's a frickin' MOMMY to ALL OF US. on or offline.

So...I REPEAT:

WHAT'S YOUR BLOODY FUCKING EVERLASTING HELL OF A POINT??!???!!!!

...

don't mess with my sisters, DARLING.

earth burns in HELL when i'm mad.

+ + +

HONESTLY!

I am so AMAZED at how MORONIC people can be. *seethes* look to Mai's blog for reference. I don't have the patience anymore.

I feel tired people. Honestly.

There are a couple of things that need to be addressed and... *sighs* to be completely honest - I'm a little - no, a LOT glad that I won't be able to make it to McDo tomorrow. Somehow, for the first time in... I dunno... I don't want to be with The Wednesday Group.

Odd as it seems, since these people happen to be the people I love the most in world alongside my Mom... I guess it can be attributed to the fact that things... heh. Well, let's just say that some things are yet to be cleared up and frankly speaking - I hate the fact that NOBODY is even trying to communicate.

Tangina Peeps! Barkada tayo eh! Tapos ganito nalang talaga?!

I know that I'll probably get my mouth slapped for this - or talked down or whatever... but right now - I don't give SHIT about the consequences of ratting my mouth off like this.

I'm not siding with anyone - I'm not saying this person's right and this other one's wrong - FUCK PEOPLE! Can't we just be thankful that what we have is friendship?!

GOD! Of all the fucking childish ways to handle the event at hand.

I only want you guys happy and it seems that that isn't possible now considering that people are taking sides this way and that.

What am I fuckin' talking about?

Three BLOODY words: MAIA's LOVE LIFE.

...
...


I admit now that I didn't want to get involved in this - but shit! I love ALL OF YOU. And somehow, communication isn't exactly at the topmost priority now considering that people are talking here and there and not saying things upfront. God knows that it hurts like hell to be told off about certai things - even more when people whisper behind your back about little issues.

It's not backstabbing, I know that, but it might as well be considering that You and You and You keep on leaving out details or not saying them AT ALL.

Mai. Darling, love, sweetie... you know that I want you to be happy. And that I applaud your fortune in finding someone as wonderful as Leander. In my personal opinion, you deserve him - COMPLETELY, FULLY, ABSOLUTELY. But admittedly... though I personally enjoy hearing the facts that the man has e-mailed you a new letter for the day - keeping his promise! - Doll... someone's getting seriously hurt.

Haven't you noticed that I've developed a sudden interest in who Doggie is texting at the moment FRech Dude's name comes spilling from your lips.

Gah.

Tangina, ang sakit... grabe... to see that this eventually leads to Kai knowing about Doggie's hurts.

Next

Doggie... I understand what it's like to be in your situation - kaya nga nasasaktan din ako. I know what it feels like to love someone who doesn't see you that way - all the more when you consider this person to be your friend - and that taking note the proximity theory (as stated in Sociology) - this person should somehow, some way end up feeling as well for you.

Pardon me if I become the bitch I am inside.

Life's a bitch Niichan. If she bothered to help us a little along the way I wouldn't be left high and dry by two exes and I wouldn't have to worry about the fact that maybe... just maybe I'll end up alone some day due to the fact that on a romantic level I am impossible to get along with.

If Life bothered to consider our feelings, maybe then she'd be a little more giving in the romance department and severl...oh, thousand? million? people wouldn't be six feet under due to suicide cases.

But I digress...

If you need someone to talk to - fucking hell - I'm right here to listen. God knows I detest the thought that I could be unapproacheable - heaven know that if any of you looked hard enough, as pathetic I am with my own problems I do know how to help out with others' situations.

I bleed like a frickin' waterfall for ALL OF YOU.

Seems though that no one notices. Yes, Isis. Even you. Sometimes that bloody PRIDE of yours gets in the way of our bonding times. Geez! And just when Brenna broke her frickin' ankle and lost the chance of a lifetime to join in the international marathon.

To think she still tries to push herself to the bloody finish line.

In short - I would go that bloody extra mile for every single one of you.

Shit.

I'll add when I have the energy to rant. At the moment I'll go off and brood instead.