Feeling downright rotten. Sorceresses, Fucked-up Fairytales and Major Spewing.

For a multitude of reasons.

So many unspoken things have come crashing out in the event that things changed for us all. I turned 18, never realizing that a frickin' wall of TONS of things would come crashing down on my head... which it just so conveniently did.

The Craft calls for me now to take the reigns... yet again, as it did when I took four others under my wing several years ago. They call that i learn to assert myself more than ever, with the passing of certain... tests to my shoulders.

Fux. Honestly, this REALLY, REALLY bites. Knowing not what I can do really, really bites. I mean, what the fuck am I supposed to do regarding several things now? Hunh? GOD! I'm facing SO MANY things from all sides that my head's bloody spinning to the point that I think - I really just think that it might suddenly just roll off my shoulders and go ker-plunk on the ground.

. . .

I'm working on a new project. I mean, hey, I love AB and all, but I can't work on it when I'm on this fucking angst trip. Hence... Storybook Confessions.

I won't go into detail just yet... that's the beauty of it all - the goddamned beauty of this idea, is that I refuse to share it with anyone at this point. Harle, yes, I have called her for constructive criticism, but this baby is totally hands off to anyone else. Meaning, I am taking no bloody suggestions, no requests.

I only hope that by the time I'm through with it, I have enough in me to continue Of the Four and Autumn's Bounty. Goddess knows I'm just short of letting the two fics stagnante. Knock on wood, and all.

. . .

Now to the topics I really wanna address.

Y'know... it's really, really hilarious that some people percieve my life as charmed. They think I'm pretty lucky.. sometimes, I kinda believe that too. I mean, what girl doesn't love a good fairytale, right? What girl - what person doesn't want their life to be a.b.s.o.l.u.t.e.l.y peachy and fabulous and basically.. happy.

Everyone does, right?

But - GEEZ! - get real, people, you're talking to a person who's technically, fucking jaded enough to swear as casually as she does, to NOT give a damn about what people who used to matter think. To actually GIVE UP on several ideologies.

Kindly insert John Mayer's My Stupid Mouth riiiight here. Because that's one helluva song that speaks the truth.

I'd rather be a mystery than she desert me. --> Change the 'she' to 'they' and maybe we'll get somewhere.

Half the time I really wanna think that I'm letting it all out. That I'm being as honest as possible - most especially to the people who MATTER. Half the time before I drift of to sleep I realize just how much I refrain from telling. It's not lying... heaven forbid I end up doing that... no... it's a mere deletion of things that should be said - that I don't, naturally, because I know just how mean I can be when I start talking.

My darling Harle told me the other... oh, a couple of days back when I asked her: Do I look like the tpe to walk first? Three guesses as to what she said, and the first two don't count.

Yeah. I do.

A couple of months(?) ago... I don't even think it was months... I complained on my main bloggie that none of my male friends ever baby me... that they all percieve me as this really strong personality who can handle things herself. And Doggieniichan actually commented that he never thought it would matter so much to me because I looked strong and exuded that kind of aura that people think I don't understand weakness.

Well, la-dee-da. THANKS for the evaluation, but NO THANKS.

HONESTLY! Do I really SEEM that way? Because, y'know, perception CAN be wrong. First impressions NEVER always hold and sometimes, people should really THINK before passing verdict on someone else. Gyah! That's the kind of people I TRY my best to avoid. I even kick myself into reason when I end up doing that. heck, I'm human - but PLEASE! You're my friends. I hang out with your guys on Wednesdays or whenever else and this is how you all see me?

Thank Goddess for small favors like Harle, who I actually get to clear things up with. And for Kai, who is possibly the first person to openly ASK if I'm okay, or if I need anything. Who tells me to take care of myself.

Fuck. So what if I wanna play Messiah? What if I want to save the whole goddamned world? - That's me. It adds a little more meaning into my life. A little more REASON for my being as emotional as I am.

Y'know... right before my debut... my Mom and I got into so many fights because she feels (actually she and my dad) as if I don't have any direction in life. and shit - it's been that way ever since i realized that my world could come crashing down. It crashes down every so often I wonder why it doesn't just SINK into the blasted ocean. Let the waves swallow it all up like Atlantis. It's getting really - REALLY stupid trying to fix everything.

But, y'know? I stick to it. Quoting Silver from Treasure Planet, 'Chart your own course.' Anybody notice that I'm trying?!

I picked my own religion for crying out loud - a religion that advocates soul searching and feels better and more right for me than anything else I've ever known. It encourages me to reflect and think without the obligations of going on a particular day or such. No offense, guys... I've nothing against Christianity... I've been there, it just didn't work for me.

I mean, at least where I am, I can heal EVERY SINGLE DAY.

And sometimes, it's pretty good because I end up with new creative ideas bursting that i can actually BREATHE at the end of the day.

. . .

Gyah... fux. i have other issues to address... mayb e it's best that I list them down. Give at least a semblance of order into this entry instead of rambling on and on and sounding like a bloody broken record.

Topics:
1. Athens
2. Isis
3. Lars

Note that I left the topic that's been bothering me the most at the last. Well. Hmph.

. . .

Athens.

What can i say... I mean it's not like I don't exactly worry a lot... it's not like you've been scaring the fuxing-bejezuz out of me for the past few days with your dark posts, scaring me straightaway to the Summerlands and back.

Look, who is this you're talking about? I think I have a clue... but I'd rather not talk, considering that things are what they are at present. I mean, heck... if it IS the person I think you're talking about then maybe it'd be best that you give that persona clue so that he/she/it can REALIZE what exactly your feeling and reach out and H-E-L-P you.

We psychologists/psychiatrists/shrinks can only do so much. Heck - we're not bloody mind-readers if you catch my drift. And when our... 'charges' go awry and go really down the bend, shut us out and the whole frickin' enchilada - well... we fail. And we BLEED. And we cry knowing... feeling that MAYBE, if we'd possibly gotten a little more cooperation on our charges' part, we might have done something to address the issue.

Yes. Even the most 'saintly' of people blame others when they have no one else to blame.

For cryin' out loud Athens - you've seen me grow up! You've seen me frickin' bleed and rant and rave and cry and bolt myself up inside because the teears wouldn't fuxing stop. I am talking about more than one occassion cher... more than one 'walk out'. More than one crash of reality on my shoulders.

Any wonder why I don't believe as much anymore? Any wonder why I take everything that's happening with a frickin' grain of salt.

CP was the last thing I wanted to believe in. And right now, even him... even his image is fading from my mind so fast that I forget what it's like to feel wanted. To feel NEEDED. To feel LOVED.

I find myself mad at my Mom for hoping and crossing her fingers with regards to Captain Cardboard. Yes, the man's a stupendous jerk. Yes, the man's a moron for walking. And I'm an even bigger one for realizing just how much he still means to me. How much all the pastothers still mean to me.

But y'know what works for me? (Yes, I thank my hockey coach for teaching me problem solving of the productive kind.) Just brushing it all off. I mean, hey, I love them, they love me back for a time, and then decide they wanna walk. I cry, lose myself to insanity for a couple of months... for a couple of weeks, and then BA-BOOM. It's all better. Tape my broken heart together and move on.

That IS what everyone's been trying to tell me. With Darien. With Franco. Just move on and don't expect anything when they come waltzing back into your life like it's the most NORMAL thing in the world for them to do.

Riiiight. And what about me, hunh? What about ME??? I mean, don't you guys ever consider that I NEVER STOP LOVING EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU? That it just kills me to tamp down the emotions kasi bawal eh... kasi hindi na talaga pwede. I've come to grips with reality and well, let's just say that Avril's Losing Grip speaks more truth than is comforting to a person.

I end my piece.


. . .

[4:45 in the afternoon]

Isis.

Perhaps... talking to you on the phone right before I get to really blog isn't such a good idea... but a good idea all the same. glad we cleared things up Sis, i just hope you'll be more... open to me in the coming weeks because I REALLY do miss you, (and our hourly bonding sessions) and I love you and i would never do anything to hurt you.

Hope you come back on blogger soon... people miss you na.

Always.


. . .


Lars.

Y'know... you'd think his name would be SO worn out by now... which is funny because that isn't even his real name.

Look, I'm on a fucking rampage now... even IF I did talk and cry to Harle over the phone because everything's just so totally fucked up and I couldn't tell Isis (I'm sorry love... connected kasi yung issues dito...) and I don't know at this point if I'm ready to share the whole stupid thing with Mai and Kai (no offense loves, i will, eventually... just give me a little time to adjust...).

So here we are. Here I am.

For those who've been through the hell/heaven-ish process of working my debut 'round the clock for the past few weeks, y'all know that i was COMPLETELY AGAINST Franco's attendance to the event up until my aunt, my mom, my cousin Dane and yes, even Isis so conveniently ganged up on me.

To my sources, even Ice and Meloi (two friends from my highschool barkada) wanted me to go for it.

Sorry darlings... despite whatever you know now, I WAS completely against it, which was the reason i was testy (sorry Mom, Flip, and everybody else who felt the tip of my sharpened tongue.) for the following weeks.

I was happy - AM happy with the life I lead. Make no mistakes, I screw up, yes, I have so far, but I was fine... and completely devoid of any plans to finding romance anywhere.

But after that night. Well what can I say but 'fuck'. Considering that what I expected to happen DID happen... and is still plaguing my entire system.

...

Dammit! Pag aalis kayo 'wag na kayong bumalik! YOU HEAR ME?!

I WAS FINE. THE BOTH OF YOU! At ang kapal -kapaaaaaal ng mga mukha niyong biglang sumipot uli sa buhay ko!

Dagnabit! YOU were the ones who WALKED. I've had to fucking LIVE with rampant, out-of-control emotions because it fucking hurts, if you've nticed to look into your eyes and feel everything - every goddamned memory rushing back at you - FULL, SPEED , AHEAD.

Shit. It NEVER occured to ANY of you that just how DAMAGING it was. LEARNING PROCESS MY ASS! It HURT like farden hell! Thank GOD(dess) for people like Sam and Krys, Ekai and Maia, Mac and Charles, Hope, Karen, Veron and Cheska for keeping me sane.

I NEVER want to hear another holier-than-thou crack. (This is not for Lars. This is for someone else.) About whatever it is that's crawled up your ass because frankly - I CANNOT play the saint, the good person any longer.

I am NOT an angel. Geezuz, you'd think you'd re-evaluate the meaning efore you tag someone that, hm?

I am avatar to the Sea Goddess, filled with all her wrath and her anguish, her hate. i may be compassionate but NEVER EVER consider me and my tears to be weak.

You left. Me. You - WALKED out the door and left me for 'dead' inside. Never once thinking. Always assuming that it could go back to the way it was once before. 'Let's just be friends'. BULLSHIT.

I can't help ANY of you if you don't LET ME. And you always had to doubt my love, my attention, my devotion.

Don't talk to me now I'm too pissed to care.

________
Mel Out.

Tans, stresses and Lovesongs.

What else could be more frustrating than those three?

I went to the 8 Wave Waterpark today... pretty good... if you've a mind to stick to canopied pools where you can do laps, or enjoy the two bubble pools and the wave pool (eight different waves...hmmm....)

I got another tattoo... considering my last one vanished without a trace on me... same symbol, with a few tweaks here and there. Triplicate moon for the Goddess, with waves in the full moon.

I'm also on a present Midsummer Night's Dream trip.

Fux.

Why should Titania cross her Oberon?

Because... you thick-headed moron... you walked out of my life.

I'm too ticked to write anymore.

Opinions and comments on the boxes.

Honestly. Harle and I thought to leave this topic alone... but again, I will have to apologize to you Harle, since I am obviously going to address this.

What is it with people who definitely need to just commentcommentcomment without even thinking of what they're saying/writing before they click the 'post' button at the bottom of the page? It really, REALLY ticks me off to see comments like the ones found in Harle's soon-to-be-possibly-terminated comments' box.

I agree with the person who told us to stop the arguments (aside from the warning, that is) because frankly - everyone's free to feel even the slightest bit lost once in awhile. So to those who say that Harle doubts herself when she has moments of hesitation - please tell me this: Have YOU never, EVER doubted in your entire lives?

Have you never stopped and wondered if what you thought, what you believed could be a little bit much? Mrf. It is only in doubt that we realize just how we want to live our lives and how we plan to go on. HOw we plan to mature and how we critically view things in the world.

It is not the lack of belief - rather - it is the affirmation of what you WANT to believe and what you CHOOSE to believe.

There are TWO THINGS that separate human beings from animals (some, anyway) - one of these is the ability to think, feel and choose for ourselves what we want in our lives. THAT, is Harle's point.

Her personal choice of changing something very much her own (her religion), is something that is hers and hers alone. People shouldn't judge her for this - nor should they claim to be 'of higher knowledge' by saying things like: Doubting one's belief means he/she doesn't completely trust her belief.

Existence ~ in as much as you probably meant that to be a good thing, it came out really wrong. Doubting one's belief means that one does not follow blindly. That's plain naivete. Which isn't healthy if you want to mature as a person.

I have had doubts - mostly in the times when I felt/feel lost in a world where so many things happen. We claim tolerance and still people die in brawls and fights because of beliefs. Thus, this kind of reaction - this blind following leads people to become fanatical, and ignorant of the fact that other individuals (stress on the individual) won't exactly see things the same way you do.

Harle has every right to doubt, if only to see the flaws that could be fixed.

I mean, look - if there were such a thing as a perfect society, one wherein disease and famine, and pain and suffering were absent, when the time comes that these disasters do occur, it is more likely that this 'superior race' will wipe itself out. Why? Lack of KNOWLEDGE.

It is in imperfection that we all become perfect. It is doubt that we reach or certainty.

Now... to the rest of those who commented.

no to religion! it only limits our minds on what can be.

And I supposed you're agnostic? *small smile* Don't worry, I have nothing against that - you have the right not to believe in anything at all. And I'm not going to say the same things that my classmates told that particular acquaintance of mine who's agnostic as well - but the point is, whomever you are, you seem to take religion as a hindering to creative minds.

It's not. I guess it's safe to say that the wrong one for you hinders any creative thinking, since... it's that. Wrong for you. It won't help if what ever creed or sect you follow contradicts your personal lifestyle or the openness of your mind.

All the religions in the world - they're all BEAUTIFUL ideals that, if followed properly, followed TRULY - not in the literal sense, but in the higher sense of TRUTH that means you do it without biases, without prejudices... they'd actually WORK.

Too many people follow their 'pre-chosen' religions because they can't imagine a different life for themselves. And, admittedly, they won't/can't accept the existence of a different way of thinking because, they were taught that kind of attitude themselves.

Not by the religion - but by the people who taught them. And these people, themselves have prejudices themselves. You can't help but pass on your beliefs. And that's not a bad thing.

I repeat: It's not a bad thing to pass on your beliefs.

What IS bad and wrong and unfair is when you IMPOSE your beliefs.

Honestly - Harle and I are two of the few Wiccans who do speak up and try to circulate information because, frankly, we now see how unfair it is that Wiccans and the practice gets bashed to bits and interpreted in ignorant ways.

People see black candles in a ritual circle standing as points in the pentagram and they think Devil Worship. NOT TRUE! Black candles signify banishing - of the NEGATIVE energies around us. Black is the removal of all things that bring us grief. It may be death - but then how do you view death - as an end? As a terrible thing? It isn't. In it's own way - it is a release. Although I refuse to believe that it should be an easy way out. That's taking it to the extreme.

Quoted from Passing by: You're not worthy to be Wiccan. You're doubting your own belief. The hell!

You, my dear, have no right to claim whether Harle is worthy or not worthy to acquire the Craft. That is plain ignorance. And if you ARE Wiccan, you're as bad as those who impose their own beliefs upon others.

Wicca is a free path - open to all those who wish to learn and live by it's code of honor. That's why we don't... recruit(?) - it's a personal choice. Again, stres on the choice. For my fellow sisters - Harle, Maia, Isis, Ekai - I serve as a guide. I serve as a mentor, but I ENCOURAGE them to tread the waters on their own - to venture into new ideas which apply to them. All I ask of them is that they keep in mind the Law of Three and the Wiccan Rede. These things in themselves create a sense of responsibility in the person who chooses the wiccan path.

The Law of Three - karmic as it is, reminds us that whatever we give out returns times three. So let out good, you recieve good, let our bad, you recieve your just desserts.

And then there's the Rede which is summarized as 'An it harm none, do what ye will.' This gives us (Wiccans) a little more freedom particularly since it tells us, simply that as long as you don't intentionally hurt anyone - as long as you do all this for the higher/greater good, it alright. You have the freedom.

It's like what my Mom's always told me - if you've got nothing good to say, don't say anything at all. If you've got nothing else to do but bad - don't do it. You'll hurt the people around you.

. . .

Goddess. I'm tired. Sometimes I wonder why I even try to speak up - if only to try to make things clearer and to attempt to make people understand.

Unfortunately, people don't... or refuse to, as I have seen in Harle's comment boxes. I continue to wonder as well, how these people manage to find the site. I mean. look, you have nothing CONSTRUCTIVE to say (this goes out to all the bashers out there). Why can't you just SHUT-the-fux-UP?! Gah.

The Refuge will be up soon. I call to all those who want to HELP create the Refuge to contact me asap at my yahoo email.

Maybe then, things would make sense.

I'm out.

I'm over the bloody moon!

Kick me if I end up sounding mildly insane. ^_^

E-mailed the Street Team and they responded. 'Nuff said. My mood's improved since earlier on. Hah!

Ventured over to Athens' Dark Blog and read this little thing about sex.

Funny how something that used to be a topic of tabboo now comes as one of the most normal topics in the middle of a conversation - or, like now - a blog entry.

I find it incredibly sad... to see people seeing this thing as a game. It's not. But then, with the change in culture - ich. Even love loses it's meaning. Heh... relationships last for at least three weeks or even two days - and it's honestly very, very stupid to think of it that way.

That's not a relationship! That's a bloody fling!

Pweh. Take it from someone who's seen it all and heard it all. People get together for the stupidest things. I can't seem to think clearly now to list them all. But when I list them all - I'll list them all.

I guess I'm still on an angst trip. And I guess it's safer to feel this mini-infatuation for someone who doesn't even know you exist than to have a relationship who's right within the vicinity. The only people I can see who I'm happy for that I envy-in-a-good-way is Maia and Leander and Florence and Philip (Biology classmates).

Maia and Leander ~ Duh. They're... making it work. Something that some couples lack now.

[cut short... will continue when have time]

Blogger is finally fine again.

Thank you Goddess. Heheheh... finally put up the links... and will continue to do so. But so far, the sidebar looks relatively fine. Ich.

*goes back to tweaking*

Caught up in several things again... I guess I need to give a little credence to my dark(er) side, eh?

I'm sitting in class, figuring out what the heck to do with the computer since the internet connection is going haywire. I e-mailed the Street Team again, this time, hopefully sounding a lot more... sensible compared to the first e-mail. (Goddess... so embarrassing.)

I am fixing my sidebar... simply because I want to, and because I've found several site I want to link.

I am officially back on my Charmed trip... which is good. I can breathe now, since (school) work seems to be slowing down. Finals are impending though and well... frankly, I'm going to push, push, push.

. . .

I can't seem to edit the links right... the template doesn't show up on the screen. It's like... BLANK. And that is not a good sign. I know better than to tamper with the empty space that's supposed to hold my template codes.

Ich.

So, instead, I'll plug the links I need to remember:

Alyssa.com ~ the official website of my original favorite Charmed One. Still is, actually... because for some reason, I don't exactly fall under the Piper-mode anymore. Besides... ich.

Offstage Lines ~ great site. Love the CCS design... and I sincerely wish I could make templates like that. That particular talent (template-making) will have to wait though. Ich. My life. The wonderful merry-go-round.

I am still trying to 'recover' from the multitude of hectic-ness that accumulated over the weekend. Thank the Goddess that I get to see the finished product when I get home... and hopefully... when I get home Mama will be better as well...

*blinks* Drifting off. Man, this dark blog... is... evolving into another side of me... I think it's the template that's actually gotten me to write here more.

Have to get new dark(er) piece to float through.

And DEFINITELY need to look for new template for A ghra..

Btw -> this one has finally updated.

So there.

Athena, for what it's worth, I just saw your darling Elijah with a shaved head here.

Honestly, honey - it don't look nice on the kid. Mrf.

Scouted on the LJs earlier on today and dropped on by at Talathia's. *blinks* I just found out that she's pagan.

I also found out that she's pretty scared and that she feels a little alone out there. Said several people started 'going away' from her when they found out that little tidbit. Made them scared. And she's scared as well.

...

Well that kinda ruins my mood. Not Talathia. I like her. I wish I could talk to her and help her out.

But rather the fact that I've been seeing similar reactions and they're all bad in my book considering that Harle did a speech defending Wicca (speech class requirement - she had to defend something) and all her classmates made snide comments here and there on the peer-grading sheets that showed just how much they didn't listen.

Ticks me the hell off since several of those comments were "I'm scared" and "I got scared".

What bull! Honestly! I had Harle read her speech to me! And it happened to be very insightful and detailed to the point of letting the audience know the facts and fiction with regards to one of the most 'bashed' religions out there.

Goddess. Makes me wonder why we even try - but then again, it's pretty useless talking to brick walls.

Had to go and tell Harle to just let them be. If people want to think so badly of Wicca, so be it. I'm gonna go ahead and let them try to figure out the meaning of 'Live and Let Live' on their own. Lessens a headache on my part. I'll practice that myself - live my life the way I want to... and let them live their lives in the little comfort box that in my opinion could make anyone claustrophobic.

I'm sorry guys. I hate enclosed spaces - enclosed groups that have to put others down just so that they can go on with their happy little lives. Happy, little shallow lives sometimes.

It frustrates the hell out of me to see so many people judge - before they know things. And then preach that they aren't discriminating that they practice tolerance.

Yeah. Suuuuuure. And I just jumped over the bloody moon.

This therefore leads me to the rant #3 on my list. --> 3. Another rant on Marie and Lars

Had a class last Monday - reporting as usual, since that's what Sir INTROSO (Introduction to Sociology) wants us to do to earn our grade.

Their topic just had to be Religion, didn't it?

Naturally, they tackled everything in context - and stressed on the background of the Catholic faith... which was fine. To give them due credit, it was well researched (read: give thanks to our textbook) and presented in proper order and detail.

What ticked me off then?

To quote Marie/Lars (I forget which): 'People tend to find fault in other religions.' Supposedly to prove which religion is right above all the others.

They then continued to say that 'no one religion is right for everyone' - mainly because people will always prefer one or the other based on where they grew up or were born or the culture in that particular society.

Applaud them, please. The wording is great - the message fabulous.

Now if only it didn't sound so hypocritical to me - considering that these were the same two people who came down pretty hard on my personal choice a couple of months back.

Quoting Lars: 'It's not even a real religion'.

Damn. You know, I really lost my head over that - got pretty mad, texted my Mom whatever it was the idiot said in class and practically went nutz. Thank the heavens for Harle, Kai and Maia, whom i met up with later that day.

Thank the heavens for Wednesdays. Which is possibly my most favorite day of the week.

But i digress...

Anyway, next thing I knew I really wanted to just walk out of their talk. My particular control amazes me still. *sighs* i stayed and sweated the whole thing out. like any decent person would. I still simmer when I think of it - but mostly i just shrug it off now.

They will continue to be as plastic as they are. And they won't see just how much of an Orocan they are. They refuse to see it, considering that they should always be in the right and never know how to compromise.

These are the people I will leave behind when I walk out the classroom door for the final time. And all I can say at this point is 'Thank YOU, God!'

*coughcough* Anyway, now, the music in my player is more on the senti side and removes the mood of the whole rant thing --> Stephen Speaks' Out of My League... so i think it's best that I end this here.

Finally signed up at Different Folk.

And I'm incredibly happy since I managed to download the mp3s of four of Comoon Rotation's sings. *glares at the computer* After a considerable amount of trying to figure out what buttons to push. Gr.

*winces* I swear, the more I spend time on this new bloggie the 'genkier' I get. Heaven forbid. This is a rant blog for cryin' out loud! Gah!

I need to find something new to be angsty about.

Fixed the linkage since it was due...

Got the links for the people from MDTAS.com up and ready. *huggles the people from MDTAS* Methinks I need to update meself, noh?

Gr.

This isn't a darkblog anymore... that's bad. I am due for ranting sometime soon.

Btw - issuing another challenge:

I need a new layout for the A ghra. A m'hain.. I'm thinking lots of cascading layers and such... Theme? --> Venus on a Moodswing.

*blinks* This is debatable though... since I wanna update my personal webbie and use this title for that place instead.

Gah! The life of Melina when she's hectic. Gr...

I want summer to start already - maybe then I'll have renewed brainmatter in my cranium. *grins toothily* Thanks for the new line Maia, Harle. Mwahahaha!!!