version 2.0 -

2003-04-29T22:02:00.000-07:00

Feeling downright rotten. Sorceresses, Fucked-up Fairytales and Major Spewing.

For a multitude of reasons.

So many unspoken things have come crashing out in the event that things changed for us all. I turned 18, never realizing that a frickin' wall of TONS of things would come crashing down on my head... which it just so conveniently did.

The Craft calls for me now to take the reigns... yet again, as it did when I took four others under my wing several years ago. They call that i learn to assert myself more than ever, with the passing of certain... tests to my shoulders.

Fux. Honestly, this REALLY, REALLY bites. Knowing not what I can do really, really bites. I mean, what the fuck am I supposed to do regarding several things now? Hunh? GOD! I'm facing SO MANY things from all sides that my head's bloody spinning to the point that I think - I really just think that it might suddenly just roll off my shoulders and go ker-plunk on the ground.

. . .

I'm working on a new project. I mean, hey, I love AB and all, but I can't work on it when I'm on this fucking angst trip. Hence... Storybook Confessions.

I won't go into detail just yet... that's the beauty of it all - the goddamned beauty of this idea, is that I refuse to share it with anyone at this point. Harle, yes, I have called her for constructive criticism, but this baby is totally hands off to anyone else. Meaning, I am taking no bloody suggestions, no requests.

I only hope that by the time I'm through with it, I have enough in me to continue Of the Four and Autumn's Bounty. Goddess knows I'm just short of letting the two fics stagnante. Knock on wood, and all.

. . .

Now to the topics I really wanna address.

Y'know... it's really, really hilarious that some people percieve my life as charmed. They think I'm pretty lucky.. sometimes, I kinda believe that too. I mean, what girl doesn't love a good fairytale, right? What girl - what person doesn't want their life to be a.b.s.o.l.u.t.e.l.y peachy and fabulous and basically.. happy.

Everyone does, right?

But - GEEZ! - get real, people, you're talking to a person who's technically, fucking jaded enough to swear as casually as she does, to NOT give a damn about what people who used to matter think. To actually GIVE UP on several ideologies.

Kindly insert John Mayer's My Stupid Mouth riiiight here. Because that's one helluva song that speaks the truth.

I'd rather be a mystery than she desert me. --> Change the 'she' to 'they' and maybe we'll get somewhere.

Half the time I really wanna think that I'm letting it all out. That I'm being as honest as possible - most especially to the people who MATTER. Half the time before I drift of to sleep I realize just how much I refrain from telling. It's not lying... heaven forbid I end up doing that... no... it's a mere deletion of things that should be said - that I don't, naturally, because I know just how mean I can be when I start talking.

My darling Harle told me the other... oh, a couple of days back when I asked her: Do I look like the tpe to walk first? Three guesses as to what she said, and the first two don't count.

Yeah. I do.

A couple of months(?) ago... I don't even think it was months... I complained on my main bloggie that none of my male friends ever baby me... that they all percieve me as this really strong personality who can handle things herself. And Doggieniichan actually commented that he never thought it would matter so much to me because I looked strong and exuded that kind of aura that people think I don't understand weakness.

Well, la-dee-da. THANKS for the evaluation, but NO THANKS.

HONESTLY! Do I really SEEM that way? Because, y'know, perception CAN be wrong. First impressions NEVER always hold and sometimes, people should really THINK before passing verdict on someone else. Gyah! That's the kind of people I TRY my best to avoid. I even kick myself into reason when I end up doing that. heck, I'm human - but PLEASE! You're my friends. I hang out with your guys on Wednesdays or whenever else and this is how you all see me?

Thank Goddess for small favors like Harle, who I actually get to clear things up with. And for Kai, who is possibly the first person to openly ASK if I'm okay, or if I need anything. Who tells me to take care of myself.

Fuck. So what if I wanna play Messiah? What if I want to save the whole goddamned world? - That's me. It adds a little more meaning into my life. A little more REASON for my being as emotional as I am.

Y'know... right before my debut... my Mom and I got into so many fights because she feels (actually she and my dad) as if I don't have any direction in life. and shit - it's been that way ever since i realized that my world could come crashing down. It crashes down every so often I wonder why it doesn't just SINK into the blasted ocean. Let the waves swallow it all up like Atlantis. It's getting really - REALLY stupid trying to fix everything.

But, y'know? I stick to it. Quoting Silver from Treasure Planet, 'Chart your own course.' Anybody notice that I'm trying?!

I picked my own religion for crying out loud - a religion that advocates soul searching and feels better and more right for me than anything else I've ever known. It encourages me to reflect and think without the obligations of going on a particular day or such. No offense, guys... I've nothing against Christianity... I've been there, it just didn't work for me.

I mean, at least where I am, I can heal EVERY SINGLE DAY.

And sometimes, it's pretty good because I end up with new creative ideas bursting that i can actually BREATHE at the end of the day.

. . .

Gyah... fux. i have other issues to address... mayb e it's best that I list them down. Give at least a semblance of order into this entry instead of rambling on and on and sounding like a bloody broken record.

Topics:
1. Athens
2. Isis
3. Lars

Note that I left the topic that's been bothering me the most at the last. Well. Hmph.

. . .

Athens.

What can i say... I mean it's not like I don't exactly worry a lot... it's not like you've been scaring the fuxing-bejezuz out of me for the past few days with your dark posts, scaring me straightaway to the Summerlands and back.

Look, who is this you're talking about? I think I have a clue... but I'd rather not talk, considering that things are what they are at present. I mean, heck... if it IS the person I think you're talking about then maybe it'd be best that you give that persona clue so that he/she/it can REALIZE what exactly your feeling and reach out and H-E-L-P you.

We psychologists/psychiatrists/shrinks can only do so much. Heck - we're not bloody mind-readers if you catch my drift. And when our... 'charges' go awry and go really down the bend, shut us out and the whole frickin' enchilada - well... we fail. And we BLEED. And we cry knowing... feeling that MAYBE, if we'd possibly gotten a little more cooperation on our charges' part, we might have done something to address the issue.

Yes. Even the most 'saintly' of people blame others when they have no one else to blame.

For cryin' out loud Athens - you've seen me grow up! You've seen me frickin' bleed and rant and rave and cry and bolt myself up inside because the teears wouldn't fuxing stop. I am talking about more than one occassion cher... more than one 'walk out'. More than one crash of reality on my shoulders.

Any wonder why I don't believe as much anymore? Any wonder why I take everything that's happening with a frickin' grain of salt.

CP was the last thing I wanted to believe in. And right now, even him... even his image is fading from my mind so fast that I forget what it's like to feel wanted. To feel NEEDED. To feel LOVED.

I find myself mad at my Mom for hoping and crossing her fingers with regards to Captain Cardboard. Yes, the man's a stupendous jerk. Yes, the man's a moron for walking. And I'm an even bigger one for realizing just how much he still means to me. How much all the pastothers still mean to me.

But y'know what works for me? (Yes, I thank my hockey coach for teaching me problem solving of the productive kind.) Just brushing it all off. I mean, hey, I love them, they love me back for a time, and then decide they wanna walk. I cry, lose myself to insanity for a couple of months... for a couple of weeks, and then BA-BOOM. It's all better. Tape my broken heart together and move on.

That IS what everyone's been trying to tell me. With Darien. With Franco. Just move on and don't expect anything when they come waltzing back into your life like it's the most NORMAL thing in the world for them to do.

Riiiight. And what about me, hunh? What about ME??? I mean, don't you guys ever consider that I NEVER STOP LOVING EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU? That it just kills me to tamp down the emotions kasi bawal eh... kasi hindi na talaga pwede. I've come to grips with reality and well, let's just say that Avril's Losing Grip speaks more truth than is comforting to a person.

I end my piece.

. . .

[4:45 in the afternoon]

Isis.

Perhaps... talking to you on the phone right before I get to really blog isn't such a good idea... but a good idea all the same. glad we cleared things up Sis, i just hope you'll be more... open to me in the coming weeks because I REALLY do miss you, (and our hourly bonding sessions) and I love you and i would never do anything to hurt you.

Hope you come back on blogger soon... people miss you na.

Always.

. . .

Lars.

Y'know... you'd think his name would be SO worn out by now... which is funny because that isn't even his real name.

Look, I'm on a fucking rampage now... even IF I did talk and cry to Harle over the phone because everything's just so totally fucked up and I couldn't tell Isis (I'm sorry love... connected kasi yung issues dito...) and I don't know at this point if I'm ready to share the whole stupid thing with Mai and Kai (no offense loves, i will, eventually... just give me a little time to adjust...).

So here we are. Here I am.

For those who've been through the hell/heaven-ish process of working my debut 'round the clock for the past few weeks, y'all know that i was COMPLETELY AGAINST Franco's attendance to the event up until my aunt, my mom, my cousin Dane and yes, even Isis so conveniently ganged up on me.

To my sources, even Ice and Meloi (two friends from my highschool barkada) wanted me to go for it.

Sorry darlings... despite whatever you know now, I WAS completely against it, which was the reason i was testy (sorry Mom, Flip, and everybody else who felt the tip of my sharpened tongue.) for the following weeks.

I was happy - AM happy with the life I lead. Make no mistakes, I screw up, yes, I have so far, but I was fine... and completely devoid of any plans to finding romance anywhere.

But after that night. Well what can I say but 'fuck'. Considering that what I expected to happen DID happen... and is still plaguing my entire system.

...

Dammit! Pag aalis kayo 'wag na kayong bumalik! YOU HEAR ME?!

I WAS FINE. THE BOTH OF YOU! At ang kapal -kapaaaaaal ng mga mukha niyong biglang sumipot uli sa buhay ko!

Dagnabit! YOU were the ones who WALKED. I've had to fucking LIVE with rampant, out-of-control emotions because it fucking hurts, if you've nticed to look into your eyes and feel everything - every goddamned memory rushing back at you - FULL, SPEED , AHEAD.

Shit. It NEVER occured to ANY of you that just how DAMAGING it was. LEARNING PROCESS MY ASS! It HURT like farden hell! Thank GOD(dess) for people like Sam and Krys, Ekai and Maia, Mac and Charles, Hope, Karen, Veron and Cheska for keeping me sane.

I NEVER want to hear another holier-than-thou crack. (This is not for Lars. This is for someone else.) About whatever it is that's crawled up your ass because frankly - I CANNOT play the saint, the good person any longer.

I am NOT an angel. Geezuz, you'd think you'd re-evaluate the meaning efore you tag someone that, hm?

I am avatar to the Sea Goddess, filled with all her wrath and her anguish, her hate. i may be compassionate but NEVER EVER consider me and my tears to be weak.

You left. Me. You - WALKED out the door and left me for 'dead' inside. Never once thinking. Always assuming that it could go back to the way it was once before. 'Let's just be friends'. BULLSHIT.

I can't help ANY of you if you don't LET ME. And you always had to doubt my love, my attention, my devotion.

Don't talk to me now I'm too pissed to care.

________
Mel Out.

2003-04-26T11:05:00.000-07:00

Tans, stresses and Lovesongs.

What else could be more frustrating than those three?

I went to the 8 Wave Waterpark today... pretty good... if you've a mind to stick to canopied pools where you can do laps, or enjoy the two bubble pools and the wave pool (eight different waves...hmmm....)

I got another tattoo... considering my last one vanished without a trace on me... same symbol, with a few tweaks here and there. Triplicate moon for the Goddess, with waves in the full moon.

I'm also on a present Midsummer Night's Dream trip.

Fux.

Why should Titania cross her Oberon?

Because... you thick-headed moron... you walked out of my life.

I'm too ticked to write anymore.

2003-04-03T17:20:00.000-08:00

Opinions and comments on the boxes.

Honestly. Harle and I thought to leave this topic alone... but again, I will have to apologize to you Harle, since I am obviously going to address this.

What is it with people who definitely need to just commentcommentcomment without even thinking of what they're saying/writing before they click the 'post' button at the bottom of the page? It really, REALLY ticks me off to see comments like the ones found in Harle's soon-to-be-possibly-terminated comments' box.

I agree with the person who told us to stop the arguments (aside from the warning, that is) because frankly - everyone's free to feel even the slightest bit lost once in awhile. So to those who say that Harle doubts herself when she has moments of hesitation - please tell me this: Have YOU never, EVER doubted in your entire lives?

Have you never stopped and wondered if what you thought, what you believed could be a little bit much? Mrf. It is only in doubt that we realize just how we want to live our lives and how we plan to go on. HOw we plan to mature and how we critically view things in the world.

It is not the lack of belief - rather - it is the affirmation of what you WANT to believe and what you CHOOSE to believe.

There are TWO THINGS that separate human beings from animals (some, anyway) - one of these is the ability to think, feel and choose for ourselves what we want in our lives. THAT, is Harle's point.

Her personal choice of changing something very much her own (her religion), is something that is hers and hers alone. People shouldn't judge her for this - nor should they claim to be 'of higher knowledge' by saying things like: Doubting one's belief means he/she doesn't completely trust her belief.

Existence ~ in as much as you probably meant that to be a good thing, it came out really wrong. Doubting one's belief means that one does not follow blindly. That's plain naivete. Which isn't healthy if you want to mature as a person.

I have had doubts - mostly in the times when I felt/feel lost in a world where so many things happen. We claim tolerance and still people die in brawls and fights because of beliefs. Thus, this kind of reaction - this blind following leads people to become fanatical, and ignorant of the fact that other individuals (stress on the individual) won't exactly see things the same way you do.

Harle has every right to doubt, if only to see the flaws that could be fixed.

I mean, look - if there were such a thing as a perfect society, one wherein disease and famine, and pain and suffering were absent, when the time comes that these disasters do occur, it is more likely that this 'superior race' will wipe itself out. Why? Lack of KNOWLEDGE.

It is in imperfection that we all become perfect. It is doubt that we reach or certainty.

Now... to the rest of those who commented.

no to religion! it only limits our minds on what can be.

And I supposed you're agnostic? *small smile* Don't worry, I have nothing against that - you have the right not to believe in anything at all. And I'm not going to say the same things that my classmates told that particular acquaintance of mine who's agnostic as well - but the point is, whomever you are, you seem to take religion as a hindering to creative minds.

It's not. I guess it's safe to say that the wrong one for you hinders any creative thinking, since... it's that. Wrong for you. It won't help if what ever creed or sect you follow contradicts your personal lifestyle or the openness of your mind.

All the religions in the world - they're all BEAUTIFUL ideals that, if followed properly, followed TRULY - not in the literal sense, but in the higher sense of TRUTH that means you do it without biases, without prejudices... they'd actually WORK.

Too many people follow their 'pre-chosen' religions because they can't imagine a different life for themselves. And, admittedly, they won't/can't accept the existence of a different way of thinking because, they were taught that kind of attitude themselves.

Not by the religion - but by the people who taught them. And these people, themselves have prejudices themselves. You can't help but pass on your beliefs. And that's not a bad thing.

I repeat: It's not a bad thing to pass on your beliefs.

What IS bad and wrong and unfair is when you IMPOSE your beliefs.

Honestly - Harle and I are two of the few Wiccans who do speak up and try to circulate information because, frankly, we now see how unfair it is that Wiccans and the practice gets bashed to bits and interpreted in ignorant ways.

People see black candles in a ritual circle standing as points in the pentagram and they think Devil Worship. NOT TRUE! Black candles signify banishing - of the NEGATIVE energies around us. Black is the removal of all things that bring us grief. It may be death - but then how do you view death - as an end? As a terrible thing? It isn't. In it's own way - it is a release. Although I refuse to believe that it should be an easy way out. That's taking it to the extreme.

Quoted from Passing by: You're not worthy to be Wiccan. You're doubting your own belief. The hell!

You, my dear, have no right to claim whether Harle is worthy or not worthy to acquire the Craft. That is plain ignorance. And if you ARE Wiccan, you're as bad as those who impose their own beliefs upon others.

Wicca is a free path - open to all those who wish to learn and live by it's code of honor. That's why we don't... recruit(?) - it's a personal choice. Again, stres on the choice. For my fellow sisters - Harle, Maia, Isis, Ekai - I serve as a guide. I serve as a mentor, but I ENCOURAGE them to tread the waters on their own - to venture into new ideas which apply to them. All I ask of them is that they keep in mind the Law of Three and the Wiccan Rede. These things in themselves create a sense of responsibility in the person who chooses the wiccan path.

The Law of Three - karmic as it is, reminds us that whatever we give out returns times three. So let out good, you recieve good, let our bad, you recieve your just desserts.

And then there's the Rede which is summarized as 'An it harm none, do what ye will.' This gives us (Wiccans) a little more freedom particularly since it tells us, simply that as long as you don't intentionally hurt anyone - as long as you do all this for the higher/greater good, it alright. You have the freedom.

It's like what my Mom's always told me - if you've got nothing good to say, don't say anything at all. If you've got nothing else to do but bad - don't do it. You'll hurt the people around you.

. . .

Goddess. I'm tired. Sometimes I wonder why I even try to speak up - if only to try to make things clearer and to attempt to make people understand.

Unfortunately, people don't... or refuse to, as I have seen in Harle's comment boxes. I continue to wonder as well, how these people manage to find the site. I mean. look, you have nothing CONSTRUCTIVE to say (this goes out to all the bashers out there). Why can't you just SHUT-the-fux-UP?! Gah.

The Refuge will be up soon. I call to all those who want to HELP create the Refuge to contact me asap at my yahoo email.

Maybe then, things would make sense.

I'm out.

2003-04-03T02:59:00.000-08:00

I'm over the bloody moon!

Kick me if I end up sounding mildly insane. ^_^

E-mailed the Street Team and they responded. 'Nuff said. My mood's improved since earlier on. Hah!

2003-04-01T22:18:00.000-08:00

Ventured over to Athens' Dark Blog and read this little thing about sex.

Funny how something that used to be a topic of tabboo now comes as one of the most normal topics in the middle of a conversation - or, like now - a blog entry.

I find it incredibly sad... to see people seeing this thing as a game. It's not. But then, with the change in culture - ich. Even love loses it's meaning. Heh... relationships last for at least three weeks or even two days - and it's honestly very, very stupid to think of it that way.

That's not a relationship! That's a bloody fling!

Pweh. Take it from someone who's seen it all and heard it all. People get together for the stupidest things. I can't seem to think clearly now to list them all. But when I list them all - I'll list them all.

I guess I'm still on an angst trip. And I guess it's safer to feel this mini-infatuation for someone who doesn't even know you exist than to have a relationship who's right within the vicinity. The only people I can see who I'm happy for that I envy-in-a-good-way is Maia and Leander and Florence and Philip (Biology classmates).

Maia and Leander ~ Duh. They're... making it work. Something that some couples lack now.

[cut short... will continue when have time]

2003-04-01T17:46:00.000-08:00

Blogger is finally fine again.

Thank you Goddess. Heheheh... finally put up the links... and will continue to do so. But so far, the sidebar looks relatively fine. Ich.

*goes back to tweaking*

2003-03-31T23:38:00.000-08:00

Caught up in several things again... I guess I need to give a little credence to my dark(er) side, eh?

I'm sitting in class, figuring out what the heck to do with the computer since the internet connection is going haywire. I e-mailed the Street Team again, this time, hopefully sounding a lot more... sensible compared to the first e-mail. (Goddess... so embarrassing.)

I am fixing my sidebar... simply because I want to, and because I've found several site I want to link.

I am officially back on my Charmed trip... which is good. I can breathe now, since (school) work seems to be slowing down. Finals are impending though and well... frankly, I'm going to push, push, push.

. . .

I can't seem to edit the links right... the template doesn't show up on the screen. It's like... BLANK. And that is not a good sign. I know better than to tamper with the empty space that's supposed to hold my template codes.

Ich.

So, instead, I'll plug the links I need to remember:

Alyssa.com ~ the official website of my original favorite Charmed One. Still is, actually... because for some reason, I don't exactly fall under the Piper-mode anymore. Besides... ich.

Offstage Lines ~ great site. Love the CCS design... and I sincerely wish I could make templates like that. That particular talent (template-making) will have to wait though. Ich. My life. The wonderful merry-go-round.

I am still trying to 'recover' from the multitude of hectic-ness that accumulated over the weekend. Thank the Goddess that I get to see the finished product when I get home... and hopefully... when I get home Mama will be better as well...

*blinks* Drifting off. Man, this dark blog... is... evolving into another side of me... I think it's the template that's actually gotten me to write here more.

Have to get new dark(er) piece to float through.

And DEFINITELY need to look for new template for A ghra..

Btw -> this one has finally updated.

So there.

2003-03-26T01:06:00.000-08:00

Athena, for what it's worth, I just saw your darling Elijah with a shaved head here.

Honestly, honey - it don't look nice on the kid. Mrf.

Scouted on the LJs earlier on today and dropped on by at Talathia's. *blinks* I just found out that she's pagan.

I also found out that she's pretty scared and that she feels a little alone out there. Said several people started 'going away' from her when they found out that little tidbit. Made them scared. And she's scared as well.

...

Well that kinda ruins my mood. Not Talathia. I like her. I wish I could talk to her and help her out.

But rather the fact that I've been seeing similar reactions and they're all bad in my book considering that Harle did a speech defending Wicca (speech class requirement - she had to defend something) and all her classmates made snide comments here and there on the peer-grading sheets that showed just how much they didn't listen.

Ticks me the hell off since several of those comments were "I'm scared" and "I got scared".

What bull! Honestly! I had Harle read her speech to me! And it happened to be very insightful and detailed to the point of letting the audience know the facts and fiction with regards to one of the most 'bashed' religions out there.

Goddess. Makes me wonder why we even try - but then again, it's pretty useless talking to brick walls.

Had to go and tell Harle to just let them be. If people want to think so badly of Wicca, so be it. I'm gonna go ahead and let them try to figure out the meaning of 'Live and Let Live' on their own. Lessens a headache on my part. I'll practice that myself - live my life the way I want to... and let them live their lives in the little comfort box that in my opinion could make anyone claustrophobic.

I'm sorry guys. I hate enclosed spaces - enclosed groups that have to put others down just so that they can go on with their happy little lives. Happy, little shallow lives sometimes.

It frustrates the hell out of me to see so many people judge - before they know things. And then preach that they aren't discriminating that they practice tolerance.

Yeah. Suuuuuure. And I just jumped over the bloody moon.

This therefore leads me to the rant #3 on my list. --> 3. Another rant on Marie and Lars

Had a class last Monday - reporting as usual, since that's what Sir INTROSO (Introduction to Sociology) wants us to do to earn our grade.

Their topic just had to be Religion, didn't it?

Naturally, they tackled everything in context - and stressed on the background of the Catholic faith... which was fine. To give them due credit, it was well researched (read: give thanks to our textbook) and presented in proper order and detail.

What ticked me off then?

To quote Marie/Lars (I forget which): 'People tend to find fault in other religions.' Supposedly to prove which religion is right above all the others.

They then continued to say that 'no one religion is right for everyone' - mainly because people will always prefer one or the other based on where they grew up or were born or the culture in that particular society.

Applaud them, please. The wording is great - the message fabulous.

Now if only it didn't sound so hypocritical to me - considering that these were the same two people who came down pretty hard on my personal choice a couple of months back.

Quoting Lars: 'It's not even a real religion'.

Damn. You know, I really lost my head over that - got pretty mad, texted my Mom whatever it was the idiot said in class and practically went nutz. Thank the heavens for Harle, Kai and Maia, whom i met up with later that day.

Thank the heavens for Wednesdays. Which is possibly my most favorite day of the week.

But i digress...

Anyway, next thing I knew I really wanted to just walk out of their talk. My particular control amazes me still. *sighs* i stayed and sweated the whole thing out. like any decent person would. I still simmer when I think of it - but mostly i just shrug it off now.

They will continue to be as plastic as they are. And they won't see just how much of an Orocan they are. They refuse to see it, considering that they should always be in the right and never know how to compromise.

These are the people I will leave behind when I walk out the classroom door for the final time. And all I can say at this point is 'Thank YOU, God!'

*coughcough* Anyway, now, the music in my player is more on the senti side and removes the mood of the whole rant thing --> Stephen Speaks' Out of My League... so i think it's best that I end this here.

2003-03-26T00:48:00.000-08:00

Finally signed up at Different Folk.

And I'm incredibly happy since I managed to download the mp3s of four of Comoon Rotation's sings. *glares at the computer* After a considerable amount of trying to figure out what buttons to push. Gr.

*winces* I swear, the more I spend time on this new bloggie the 'genkier' I get. Heaven forbid. This is a rant blog for cryin' out loud! Gah!

I need to find something new to be angsty about.

2003-03-25T19:00:00.001-08:00

Fixed the linkage since it was due...

Got the links for the people from MDTAS.com up and ready. *huggles the people from MDTAS* Methinks I need to update meself, noh?

Gr.

This isn't a darkblog anymore... that's bad. I am due for ranting sometime soon.

Btw - issuing another challenge:

I need a new layout for the A ghra. A m'hain.. I'm thinking lots of cascading layers and such... Theme? --> Venus on a Moodswing.

*blinks* This is debatable though... since I wanna update my personal webbie and use this title for that place instead.

Gah! The life of Melina when she's hectic. Gr...

I want summer to start already - maybe then I'll have renewed brainmatter in my cranium. *grins toothily* Thanks for the new line Maia, Harle. Mwahahaha!!!

2003-03-24T23:29:00.000-08:00

Something to remember...

I'm half-mad at the DLSU computer system because I can't sign up for fanlistings! Gr... Nevermind.

-->Different Folk<--

Something to do when I get time again. Gr.

I'm stewing give me a farden break.

2003-03-21T18:53:00.000-08:00

I need to spew. Yet again. And I don't like one bit of it.

*glares at her keyboard* I had written something... but unfortunately the stupid keyboard deleted it... somehow.

Ich.

So many things have happened in the past 48 hours, and I honestly don't know what to think anymore.

There was the uproar that threatened to another blog-war (Harle, I agree, I don't want this anymore, it's too bloody tiring.), and then the now present US-Iraq War which many worry about considering... all things. Then there's the fact that school is wearing me thin in several areas... despite the fact that we are closing in a matter of roughly two weeks. Don't ask. Please, I haven't the brainmatter to explain what I've been through lately.

I will state though, that the man/woman who decides to invent a 3 1/2 floppy disk that can save more than 2000 KB, I will likely worship until the day I die.

The insanities of a computer project that refuses to save. Ich. My bad. Help.

Then there is the inner turmoil that has me wondering What in HELL?! am I doing as a 'mommy'/ big sister to these wonderful young girls who have decided to call me oneechan. ~I can't take this anymore.~ I have tried my best to be patient and... understanding, but some things have to be done.

It tears at me, and I seek advice from The Pantheon - my sisters, my friends. Anyone else who has two-cents to drop into my little tin can, I say it here and now that I appreciate it.

Now. I think I'll have to list the topics that I need to discuss lest I forget them and leave something important out.

My emotional health cannot take anymore information. I have to give a little output once in awhile.

. . .

1. Alessa
2. Maia
3. Another rant about Marie and Lars.

. . .

Sometimes I wonder if I'm any good at being a big-sister considering that I do have a temper that hitches when I am tired. I also happen to be someone who, when angered, has been known to eventually recieve enemies instead of friends.

God. Hope, Eden, Nenloth. My darlings. Sometimes I wonder if I should even be allowed to be your 'mommy' from time to time. Goddess knows I have tried and I have failed.

Now. I have to address this before it gets any worse.

Alessa ~ I will apologize here and now if I hurt your feelings. But never doubt that I care about you, and that I love you very much, and that I say this because I want you to improve and become a better person altogether. It depresses me and grates on my senses to think that here you are, in my care, and whatever opportunity given to me I might allow to slip away.

I have spoken to Eden about a lot of things. And a lot of these revolve around the fact that ~yes~, she is breaking away from you, and that she can't seem to see you as her bestfriend anymore.

Don't react yet. PLEASE. And if you cry I will not tell you to stop crying. But if you fail to listen some small part of me will hold that against you, because for the past few times that we've talked, you haven't listened to a word I've said.

I'm sorry if I haven't been replying on text. I'm sorry that somehow I haven't been able to call you even if I do get a breather in-between. I just can't picture myself giving you any more advice aside from the ones I'm going to tell you here and now.

You're using me and Eden as a crutch, 'Lessa. And that's not healthy at all. Eden, though she cares about you very much, can only do so much for you. She will not always be there, Less... believe me, I know how much things like that hurt. But life's the way it is. Painful, cold and unforgiving at times. Makes you actually wonder why live it at all.

The other time I spoke with you you told me that you wanted to join a gang. Or commit suicide. I remember I was fixing the covers of my Mom's bed at the time that we were talking. If you even listened to an ounce of what I said, Alessa, you wouldn't even consider that thought now.

No matter how 'painless' it all seems ~ Death, in all her/his wonderful glory is NOT the answer to your problems. It will NEVER BE THE ANSWER to the pain in your heart.

Take it from a girl who wanted it all to end back in her early days of High School. I went through the same thing. NO ONE bloody understood how I was, no one knew what I felt, or thought - most didn't even have the idea to ask. If only to get inside my head and help me out one way or another.

Instead, I was caught in a vicious-cycle of some sorts, always thinking that maybe when I get pushed enough I'll actually scrape enough skin to bleed a river.

Thank the Goddess for Athena and Isis. Who looked beyond my eyes to see what exactly I needed - which were the things I claimed I didn't.

Joining a gang or resorting to suicide isn't the answer. I'm repeating myself, but nevermind. It's better that I stress on that over and over again so that it gets pummeled into that little head of yours.

And GODDESS!!! Enough with the bloody Quatre-complex with all the apologies! Do you have anything to REALLY apologize for Lessa? Or do you say it simply because it sounds right on the tip of your tongue, even if it is empty.

(Warning: this is the harsh part.)

I am just about to give up on you, Alessa. Yes ~ Heaven forbid it to happen ever again, but I WILL give up on one of my babies if I feel that they DON'T listen to me, or even take into mind the advice that I've given with complete love.

Quoting my ex-boyfriend's advice which I now really understand ~ EDEN LEAVING YOUR LIFE, YOU SIDE - IS NOT THE BLOODY END OF THE WORLD.

It's high time you realized that.

She is TIRED, Alessa. Tired of having to have you lean too much on her, depend too much on her and constantly belittle your own abilitites which you set her on te highest pedestal known to man.

And what the hell ~ what happens when she fails you? What happens when she can't meet up to the idea that you've built around her? You, yourself won't be able to accept that she has chosen another way, another path and you will sink into denial and self-pity.

I DON'T WANT THAT FOR YOU. FROM YOU.

Goddess Lessa! You're incoming FOURTH YEAR at your school! You're SMART, you're fun to talk to , fun to be around. I could see it/hear it at the time that Eden called me up to introduce me to you. You're gifted, and you want to be NORMAL?!

That is possibly the biggest insult ever to be thrown in my face - or in the faces of those who I take under my care.

I never take imoutos unless they show promise, even if a couple of weeks back I was 'shamelessly advertising' for anyone who wanted to be one of my babies.

I took Nenloth in because she has spunk. And she's talented in drawing, and she knows how to be a good friend.

I'd been wanting to take Hope under my wing because she and I have a somewhat history together and because she's a wonderful writer and debater. Add to that that she's smart and funny and rivals Maia's warped sense of humor so much that you'd love to see what happens when you put them both together at a gathering at McDo.

I chose Eden because she and I click. Because she shows promise in so many aspects and because she, like the other two I mentioned earlier have that special quality that separates them from the norm.

I don't want ORDINARY. Heaven forbid that we should settle for being ordinary when there are so many extraordinary facets to who we are.

People are like diamonds, cher - the more facets, the more complexities, the more beautiful it is.

Sorry to say, some people in the world don't see it that way. Hence the fact that artists like musicians, and writers and actors are often misunderstood.

We have our little quirks. One may have a different sort of preference, or personal flair, making us more diverse than the next person sitting beside us in a classroom or on the train. We may be darki, broody, genki, silent, dangerous (in the good sense), and non-conformist to some degree, but in the end the one thing that links us all together is the basic fact that we are human.

And human beings - what differentiates us from the animals and plants and other living things that cannot be called human beings (I'm not saying that they are beneath us, because they're NOT) is the fact that we have desire to conform and be unique at the same time.

I love being a part of the Pantheon - but I can be so selfish as to wish that my songwriting style, and several parts of me be mine alone.

I look at Harle and Isis and Maia and Ekai as my equals and I would never consider myself to be over and above them... nor would I stoop into thinking that they are over and above me.

Let's take into mind the beauty of the pentagram. It's not an even number of points in the star istelf, but if you take a good look, these five points are equal in each aspect. Complementing the others in such a way that it does not overpower or be overpowered.

Unfortunately, you tip the scales to the extreme Alessa. And Eden cannot be that way for you anymore.

You're not improving love. And your breaking my heart along the way. And if the only way to make you grow up is to hurt you in the most painful way possible, then so be it. The Council lef tthe decision up to me, and I tell you now that I cannot teach you. I cannot take you under my wing any farther than you have come. I cannot risk failing you in the way I failed Moira* or Bridge*, Vivienne* and Nicole* ~ the former members of my initial coven.

Moira had too much will. Bridge clung to me like a leech. Vivienne didn't have enough Faith and Nicole withered away.

I never want to have to face that again. It's just too much - TOO GODDAMN MUCH for me to take.

You whine on your blog constantly Lessa, I see no productive entries. You don't tell us anything. And for those who would read your blog they wouldn't even stay any longer than to skim through your words and possibly disregard them.

: : : :

*sighs* --> I write this on the 24th of March <--

Lessa... you are still one of my babies... but I don't know what I can do to help you anymore, considering that sometimes it sonds like you don't want to be helped.

You aren't a burden to me so stop saying that. It seriously pisses me off.

The other half of me that's pissed is the harrassed part of my soul. Gah! The only good thing that came to my doorstep is the fact that this template *points to new BBD template* came just in time to pacify me.

*sighs* I will tackle the last two issues when I have time to breathe. Goddess. I want it to be summer already so that the only thing that'll drive me up the wall will be the arrangements for the debut.

Eden ~ for the love of everything - give Lessa her invite. I have to figure out how the hell to send Sofia's.

Hope ~ I'm glad that you like the new lay-out. MayStar has wonderful designs. Gah.

Harle ~ Cher... you are an absolute godsend. *laughs weakly* You know who I'm talking about. And what I'm thanking you for.

*sighs and looks at her sidebar* Methinks I need to fix my links... on both this and the other blog.

________________________
Mia D.

2003-03-18T19:41:00.000-08:00

some people just shouldn't be allowed to breathe.

blame it on basic stupidity.

i WILL apologize for the fact that my *coughcough* language at this point is a LITTLE too violent. (Sorry Mama...)...but well. HM. See for yourselves.

taken from a blog which will NOT be mentioned for the sake of the pathetic little twit.

THIS WHOLE THING SUCKS
if ever someone replies to this blog, I will move the erase date to April 20. But if no one will, it will be terminated 10 days from now.

And by the way...I HATE LADY HARLEQUIN and her DISGUSTING little posse. YOU GUYS suck like hell! HYPOCRITES!!! This includes MAIA, REFE-CHAN, AELEISHA, FUCKWITTAGE (Agi!). Basta ang PANTHEON guid! You aren't critics at all! Just a bunch of BBBEEEEEAAAAATTTTCCCCHHHH!!!

my reply:

...stupidty leak.

HEL-LO?!

what in the goddamn bloody hell did WE ever do to you? i didn't even know you were around until YOU suddenly break out in absolute hives over something that honestly doesn't even make the least bit of sense.

you have our links on your sidebar, you BOTHER to read our blogs. and then you get mad - rant like everlasting hell about how 'bitchy' (thanks for the compliment SWEETIE. we are BITCH GODDESSES. it comes with the job description.) we are and what 'cowards' we are - when in fact YOU (sad to say) come off immature and incredibly inane.

you HAVE NOT stated why you hate us. GODDESS! i have never even met you!

GEEZ! even the argument with ~hope~ had more 'oomph' and SENSE than this sudden outburst. and look where we are. i love the darling. i consider her IMOUTO and therefore one of my own. it was a simple case of absolute miscommunication.

GET A **LIFE** kiddo. you're acting incredibly CHILDISH by making a scene.

and oh?

SO-FUCKIN'-WHAT if we REPLY and YOU delete this blog?! i mean, look - what's your FARDEN POINT?!

if you remove your blog... frankly, that's turning tail because you're too DAMN CHICKEN to recieve comments.

Eli-chan is okay. I LIKE her...despite the 'supposed' past history. live and let live, k? but you wouldn't know about that, would you?

AND - what the FUCKING HELL did cy ever do to you?! pweh! you come off SO DESPERATE for attention in general.

HIS. MAIA's. LADY H's. EKAI's. MINE. And ISIS'.

The Pantheon COULD CARE FUCKING LESS about what YOU think at this point. We know OUR WORTH.

evidently, you're TOO INSECURE to settle for simply shoot and aim.

are you even looking at your target.

better question: IS there a target?

and WHAT ABOUT THE WAY MAI TREATS THE ONLINE COMM?

She's MALAMBIBNG. that's how she REALLY IS. she's no different online than she is IRL. she's anything BUT a hypocrite.

PEOPLE LOVE HER. ask ANYONE. hn. look at the people who are her IMOUTO-TACHI. she's a frickin' MOMMY to ALL OF US. on or offline.

So...I REPEAT:

WHAT'S YOUR BLOODY FUCKING EVERLASTING HELL OF A POINT??!???!!!!

...

don't mess with my sisters, DARLING.

earth burns in HELL when i'm mad.

+ + +

HONESTLY!

I am so AMAZED at how MORONIC people can be. *seethes* look to Mai's blog for reference. I don't have the patience anymore.

2003-03-17T23:17:00.000-08:00

I feel tired people. Honestly.

There are a couple of things that need to be addressed and... *sighs* to be completely honest - I'm a little - no, a LOT glad that I won't be able to make it to McDo tomorrow. Somehow, for the first time in... I dunno... I don't want to be with The Wed nes day Gro up.

Odd as it seems, since these people happen to be the people I love the most in world alongside my Mom... I guess it can be attributed to the fact that things... heh. Well, let's just say that some things are yet to be cleared up and frankly speaking - I hate the fact that NOBODY is even trying to communicate.

Tangina Peeps! Barkada tayo eh! Tapos ganito nalang talaga?!

I know that I'll probably get my mouth slapped for this - or talked down or whatever... but right now - I don't give SHIT about the consequences of ratting my mouth off like this.

I'm not siding with anyone - I'm not saying this person's right and this other one's wrong - FUCK PEOPLE! Can't we just be thankful that what we have is friendship?!

GOD! Of all the fucking childish ways to handle the event at hand.

I only want you guys happy and it seems that that isn't possible now considering that people are taking sides this way and that.

What am I fuckin' talking about?

Three BLOODY words: MAIA's LOVE LIFE.

...
...

I admit now that I didn't want to get involved in this - but shit! I love ALL OF YOU. And somehow, communication isn't exactly at the topmost priority now considering that people are talking here and there and not saying things upfront. God knows that it hurts like hell to be told off about certai things - even more when people whisper behind your back about little issues.

It's not backstabbing, I know that, but it might as well be considering that You and You and You keep on leaving out details or not saying them AT ALL.

Mai. Darling, love, sweetie... you know that I want you to be happy. And that I applaud your fortune in finding someone as wonderful as Leander. In my personal opinion, you deserve him - COMPLETELY, FULLY, ABSOLUTELY. But admittedly... though I personally enjoy hearing the facts that the man has e-mailed you a new letter for the day - keeping his promise! - Doll... someone's getting seriously hurt.

Haven't you noticed that I've developed a sudden interest in who Doggie is texting at the moment FRech Dude's name comes spilling from your lips.

Gah.

Tangina, ang sakit... grabe... to see that this eventually leads to Kai knowing about Doggie's hurts.

Next

Doggie... I understand what it's like to be in your situation - kaya nga nasasaktan din ako. I know what it feels like to love someone who doesn't see you that way - all the more when you consider this person to be your friend - and that taking note the proximity theory (as stated in Sociology) - this person should somehow, some way end up feeling as well for you.

Pardon me if I become the bitch I am inside.

Life's a bitch Niichan. If she bothered to help us a little along the way I wouldn't be left high and dry by two exes and I wouldn't have to worry about the fact that maybe... just maybe I'll end up alone some day due to the fact that on a romantic level I am impossible to get along with.

If Life bothered to consider our feelings, maybe then she'd be a little more giving in the romance department and severl...oh, thousand? million? people wouldn't be six feet under due to suicide cases.

But I digress...

If you need someone to talk to - fucking hell - I'm right here to listen. God knows I detest the thought that I could be unapproacheable - heaven know that if any of you looked hard enough, as pathetic I am with my own problems I do know how to help out with others' situations.

I bleed like a frickin' waterfall for ALL OF YOU.

Seems though that no one notices. Yes, Isis. Even you. Sometimes that bloody PRIDE of yours gets in the way of our bonding times. Geez! And just when Brenna broke her frickin' ankle and lost the chance of a lifetime to join in the international marathon.

To think she still tries to push herself to the bloody finish line.

In short - I would go that bloody extra mile for every single one of you.

Shit.

I'll add when I have the energy to rant. At the moment I'll go off and brood instead.

2003-03-11T17:34:00.000-08:00

I am borderline today. Hysterical fit has yet to come.

I will, however say thank you to the improvements.

PLUG: ~hope~. The would-be 'fight' is now behind us. I now call her a very good friend. *smiles at Hope* Take care, ma chère, and I'll try to schedule the E.B. *grins*

I am editing the bloody template...since no one's seemed to create a new lay-out for this one yet. *hinthint* That challenge is still up people.

+ + +

New quizzie: Funny, it's something I'd picture one of my more psycho characters doing.

You are Mary Bell. At the ripe old age of 10 you
strangled a neighbor boy, afterwhich you carved
your initals into his skin. At his funreal you
laughed. Your next victim was a 3 year old. You
pushed him off the roof, resulting in a broken
skull. After he was found you went to his
mothers house and asked to see him, she replied
tha t he was dead. You smiled brightly and said
'Oh, I know he's dead. I wanted to see him in
his coffin."

You horrid little girl you.

-smacks your hand-

Which Imfamous criminal are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-02-20T19:12:00.000-08:00

Alright... what the hell is the use of reasoning -- I'd like to know.

Pweh.

I am sorry Athens, but self-righteous little twits or not...pweh.

To my darlings, I leave the verdict to you.

En quote:
I officially don't care what she thinks. Who is she? If you know me, you probably can tell who this girl is. She is so unbelievably clueless about anything to do with me, yet she dares to criticise. Hn. I wish I never met her. It would make my very busy life less confusing. No one comes here anyway so I can rant as peaceably as possible. They want to hunt me down? Sure. Fine. Tell me another one. At least I can express my feelings in a way that doesn't entail using 'fuxing' 'shit' and other curse words. I never hurt the alleged senior that she is talking about. She just left me. That is it. I was in the craft longer and I quit in gr. 6 or as it seven....I can deal with that and all her other remarkably false statements. Oh, and she actually claimed that she was my 'senior' in the craft and that she gave me advice I didn't listen to. Whoopee. The only things I ever talked about with her was Elvira and her plaintive attempts at suicide. She is just plain vindictive and I finally agree with what Elvira said. She is a liar and I hope that one day she will become a better person . I can't even get angry. I just feel bad for her, honestly. I don't know if I even want to hang out with her 'darling eden'. I like her a lot and she's really nice but I just can't stomach the fact that she is being lead around by a wiccan that doesn't deserve the Craft. I should try to help her get away. She (vindictive girl) even threatened to 'bind' me. Haha. I'm sure the last person that tried that remembers it. Plus, no decent wican would do it. So, therefore... she isn't a decent wiccan. And what would she bind? Can't anyone figure out that I had the powers before taking it up and that my lola just taght me it so I could control my loose energy? plus I don't think those of the higher up would appreciate her attempting.
Too bad about her being vindictive. I really liked the way she wrote her story in the 'Light Under Water' thing but I can't support a person like that. Sorry na lang, Kaoru. After this rant, I won't mention her trangressions anymore.

Oh, and I suppose you have the right to judge whether someone has a right to the Craft?

Eden is a very promising girl. Her skills simply need to be honed. And being wiccan is a personal choice and one that takes the Craft as a way of life. And if Eden chooses to learn -- pweh. Doll, one thing about Wicca is that it isn't exclusive. You make it sound that way -- which it is not.

Power on the otherhand is innate to all -- that is why the call comes. So technically, when you think about it -- you are not the only one doll who has had her abilities since birth. Perhaps, yes, we'll give you a little more credit considering that you had a tutor at an earlier age -- but that doesn't make you better than the rest of us.

And don't call me a liar, mon petit. I know a lot more about you -- defended you several times -- and yes, I valued your friendship.

I also appreciate what friendship you have with Nenloth, considering that that sweet girl can be friends with just about anybody.

And short term as people's memories can be, yes, we did talk about the Craft once. The Craft, Elvira and my plaintive attempts at suicide. Doll, you talk about not judging people to quick -- heh -- speak for yourself. What do you know about what I went through at that time? Hm? And I don't have to explain myself to a brick wall such as yourself. What's the use of defending when all I'll ever get in return is one-sided criticism, hm?

'Vira left? Yeah...in some little way I guess she did. (Yes, doll, kick me if you want. But how many times did you hurt over this little chit, eh?) Left for reasons that I'll leve you to ask her.

Vindictive. Yeah...I can be that. You can't be a bitch if you aren't vindictive.

But don't you dare call me a liar. I've been called that one too many times and I really do not appreciate being labeled as something I'm not. Do not start something with me that you'll regret, Hope.

Again, Athena, I'll have to apologize in my own little way to you. But heck. If you don't believe a word I say well then...we'll just have to leave it at that.

I have been judged by this one and others like her -- your particular worry over me 'abusing' what I have is also uncalled for.

I do not abuse.

I know the consequences of abusing and I do not want to go back there again. And fyi, this is NOT about the 2nd year incident. This one happened looooong before I knew you. Long before I met you and realized that what I've managed to harness within me I do not have to know of alone.

Pweh. I should have known that this would happen. Considering that paranoia gets in the way.

And that last bit about the binding? Chit, I know the mechanics. I have done it before and I will do it agai if only to protect those I call my own.

Hmph. And to think we used to be friends. And to think I knew people who tried to be your friends. That superiority complex chit -- it sends hell through the system.

2003-02-15T00:31:00.000-08:00

I have taken a quiz... and I'm still debating on whether I like the result or not.

You're Lux Lisbon, the second to youngest daughter!

Which Lisbon Sister from The Virgin Suicides are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

NEEEEEEEXT!!!!

You're Beelzebub! Go home and practice.

Which Fallen Angel are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

oh that's nice. heheh... *cringes* ich...i'm in the wrong blog. I'm in a good mood today.

2003-02-13T18:35:00.000-08:00

Why is it that people have the nasty habit of ruining the lives of my darlings?

God. I am starting to lose what good mood I had for the morning... if only because there are several things I want to address now.

*Note to the public: This will also be copied onto my dark blog.*

+ + +

DAMN IT ALL TO FARDEN HELL ISIS! What (the fuck) is THIS???

Ano nanaman ang pumasok sa utak mo at tinotopak ka nanaman?! (ed~ trans: what got into your mind this time and you're acting so screwy?!)

Who do I have to fuxing kill to get it through to your head NOT to go all depressed like this?!

By the GODDESS! What's gotten into you? You're not like this? Well, not to my knowledge anyway -- *blinks* SHIT.

M'eudail (ed~ trans gaelic: my darling; my treasure), why are you hitting yourself over and over again when you shouldn't even be thinking that way?

I swear. If I have to lay the fuxing law down yet again and earn your anger I WILL START keeping you away from the people who *obviously* set this trail of thought to move in a friggin' chain reaction in the first place!

And DOLL! DO NOT TELL ME that you are attending that LOUSY V-day date tonight? I know you said that you canceled everything except the one with Kale, but please -- PLEASE reassure me that you are not going to be the fuxing martyr and go to that thing with Soc just because you feel fuckin' obligated to go!

You, as my sister should know that it doesn't count if you're going at frickin' gunpoint to an affair that should be FUN.

Farden bloody, everlasting, shitty hell.

I am NOT going to stand by and watch all this happen.

NEXT

Mon chere... as I said in you comments box, you just say the word and I'll do what I can to inflict an incredible amount of pain to the two bastards who are obviously TOO STUPID to realize how much damage they're causing.

*swears loudly in every language she knows* TANG-I-NA. I swear Kai, papatayin ko na sila. *pauses* Well, maybe not kill them, but damn well make them suffer all the possible tortures that I can conjure up.

-->I know the RULE Harle. I know that the Rede disallows inflicting pain to others -- but by the God! I WILL disregard the Rede (just--this--once) and do everything short of ending their miserable little lives as payment for what misery they've caused Ekai.<--

To Hell and Hades with the Threefold Law -- I WILL accept the farden punishment if that's what penance I have to do for Kai's sake.

NODOBY HAS BLOODY THE RIGHT TO DO WHAT THEY'VE DONE TO HER -- TO ANYBODY.

Screw this.

NEXT

Kale. Pare, chill. It's okay to feel the slightest bit shitty. Right now, I'm thinking we all feel as shitty as that, considering that all hell is practically breaking loose on earth.

F~~~. I swear, I'm gonna need a farden massage by the time I'm done with this.

Back to YOU Sis. Look, cher, life's a fuxing bitch who needs to get laid yet again. And basically, all I have to tell you is THIS:

You don't want to go to cheering practice. Then don't. Screw the fact that I'm fucking B.I. right now (ed~ trans: Bad Influence.). what matters the most to me at this point is seeing you happy. Because at the moment I'm not. Fuck. Hell. Do you think MY farden life is okay m'love?

Okay: NEWSFLASH. I went into a fucking hysterical fit the other night and thankfully, I was still thinking coherently when I texted Mai.

Why oh, fuxing why didn't I text you?! Because, babydoll, at that lousy state of mind I didn't want to burden you with all the negatives that had been screwing with my entire system from the night me and Athens actually vented out whatever shit was still stored in the system. Athens about the fact that she feels more than a little alone over there in Aussie -- and me over the issue that was never resolved -- never fuxing closed -- until I finally got to scream, rant and tear my whole sanity to bitter shreds on the carpet.

You want to know just how much crap I've kept in so that I could finally get my sister back from the dead??!! YOu go and ASK Athens what graves I dug up. Graves, my love, you supplied to me back in the latter end of 4th-fucking-year! Graves the BOTH of you tossed in MY direction.

GOD!

I'm farden passed all that now, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I survive Sis, and it was the thought that a gap had formed betweeen You, and Me, and Her that's been killing me. Dagnabit! Can't you SEE just how it KILLS me that MY LIFE -- at fucking present -- is in absolute shambles and that the only things I live for now are Wednesdays and all of you who are dear to my own heart.

TAMA NA NGA!.

I am so sick of hearing you two feeling the goddamn hell sorry for yourselves when there's so much to celebrate in the world!

Dang it! There as friggin' war about to break loose, people died on a shuttle that landed wrong. Somebody very dear to me attempted suicide a couple of months back, is on friggin' medication, is seeing a bloody shrink who DOES NOT UNDERSTAND a farden thing. And where am I?

--Here. Stuck in the rut that is supposedly my home. Where another person who I would gladly give my life for is depressing herself with friends (excuse my sarcasm, please, but I am through with being nice) who DO NOT know *half* of her worth. Act the fucking hell as if sila lang ang may karapatan na samahan siya (ed~ trans: they are the only ones with the right to hang around her), and honestly make me want to puke my farden lungs out in complete disgust.

No one can force you to do what they want unless you allow them to force you to do what they want.

F***. I'm one of those. I am so SICK and TIRED of what HELL I happen to be stuck in every friggin' day I have to go to sit in a class who I no longer keep any love for.

Fuck this. I'm out.

I don't have any strength left in me. And I sure as hell will try not to let this bloody moronic thing destroy what started out to be a very hopeful V-day.

I dunno about the rest of you -- but loves, heads up -- it's Valentine's Day. And I mean a day to spend quality time with people you love.

Read: PEOPLE. not significant other/not boyf/not boytoy or whatever else you might want to call them.

PEOPLE. Your family, your friends -- those who matter. I believe that's how you termed the rest of us Isis.

*sighs* Darling, my own, angel-eyes. I'm not mad. I'm just tired. Can we all just get past this shit? Please? I got you back after a looooong summer of awkwardness and such. I am NOT going to allow Brenna and the rest to suffer another rift between us.

LYS, Isis. Always us. Remember?

+ + +

To the rest of you, I hope you forgive the sudden burst of negative emotion. I'm just tired.

Ciao, mon chere amis.

2003-02-09T18:37:00.000-08:00

tweak. i added a couple of people...*sighs* and i just realized i forgot someone on my other blog. ich.

*slumps back to the drawing board*

2003-02-09T18:24:00.000-08:00

Yet another RANT for the road.

ICH!!!!

*screeches violently therefore sending MANY things flying*

WHAT THE FUXING HELL IS WRONG WITH THE MAN?!

Goddamnit! And here I thought I'd be free of the annoying instances where he decides to wear the Polo light blue... he goes off and wears the dark blue DIESEL??? What byt the unholy name of... is wrong with him?!?!?!?!

GOD! Can't I *ever* have peace?! Gr...

The *unmentionable* was wearing the *other* t-shirt I'd given him for his 18th birthday today at class... *growls* actually...since I'm still within the vicinity and will be in the vicinity until 3.30 this afternoon--I will have to tolerate ONE MORE class with the bloody sod -- wearing the shirt I GAVE HIM when we were still together!

*swears yet again*

*coughcough* pardon my frech mon petit... to think I know that you blog-hop whenever you're able now...I should at least try to tone down on my profanities...ich...

Oneesama, please mutilate the bloody sod for me? Call Craig if you have to and tell him I am permitting the loading of his gorgeous shotgun. (eds note~ Craig P has a shotgun????)

*growls* Well, if he doesn't, he should bloody well get one for good measure!

(eds note~ ah....pandagdag pogi points?) heheh... trans: so you mean it adds to his pogi points? er...*blinks* pogi=handsome)

BWISIT~!!!! Talk about a fabulous way to ruin a perfectly good morning. ARGH!

REMY>> *wince* ah...chere... your heart...eheh...*sweatdrops*

SHUT THE HELL UP REMY!

*groans and slumps back onto her chair, one hand covering her eyes* God...I need an advil...*goes off to copy and paste the entry to her LJ*

2003-02-05T21:46:00.000-08:00

I am once again down here at Netopia...burning a considerable hole thru my lovely little pocket.

Shit. What a way to start the entry, ne?

Gr.

Anyway...I'm here simply becuase I think I need to let off steam else I get myself sick again over whatnot and whatever. GOD. I am not making sense and my nerves a ringing from the noise that several...*shudders* idiots are making over at the end of the cafe. Ich. Ever hear of lowering of voices.

Yes, I know I'm acting like a bitch right now. Sue me. I'm sonot in a giving mood.

+ + +

It's the fuxing month. That's all it is, right? I mean, I wouldn't be going stir crazy if it weren't for the stupidity of a Valentine's Day. Ich.

My system is pretty much going haywire with all the hearts and flowers popping out left and right. For cryin' out loud--I CRIED to Isis last night. That is NOT a good sign. My mental health is at stake here and I need an outlet for it all or I'm really gonna lose it. Gr.

+ + +

Hence, I will rant about some things that have been bothering me for some time now.

God! What is it about certain people (are they even people?) that I can't seem to stand being in the same fuxing room anymore, hence the instances wherein I vamoose quickly enough and enter the room quietly enough as to attract as LITTLE attention as possible. Gr.

I just want to get out of my block already. I wanna leave the farden building already. Geez! Is that too much to ask?

Hmph. Anyway...there's one other topic that's been pushed to the back burner which I think I will now address (god, where is my grammar going?)

+ + +

This is regarding a certain little CHIT who had the gall to go boss around my darling Eden regarding certain wiccan skills/books/and whatnots.

*clears throat*

Putang Ina Mo.

You little, conceited, minimus of a TWIT! What--rather WHO the GODDAMNED HELL do you think YOU ARE hunh? What the f*ck have you been saying to Eden about the 'right ways' of doing certain things??? You no good b*tch. YOU have the GALL to dictate Rights and friggin' Wrongs to Eden regarding OUR Craft when YOU, little lady, have absolutely NO CONTROL over YOUR own ABUSE of IT???

I repeat: Putang ina mo.

You NEVER--EVER listened to your 'seniors' whenever WE gave our two-fuckin'-cents worth whenever you went off the edge with the use of your skills.

Langya naman o! You--my *drips with sarcasm* darling, have thrown fits and stupid tamtrums whenever things didn't go your way. You abused the love given freely to you by a particular senior of yours who is CLOSE to ME.

Carteful? Chit, you were NEVER careful with your powers. No wonder Athena freaked out when I decided that I was embracing it completely. 'Theen, the little twit--I am sure you'll recognize her--has been spewing absolute shit in each and every direction--particularly into the ears of one of my imouto-tachi.

By the Goddess! What a truckload of BULL.

Mimicks: You haven't blessed your cards right.

Darling--placing the cards under the moonlight to fill it with the Goddess' power is ENOUGH blessing, thank you. For the record: WHAT KIND of blessing are you implying? And what about the casting of a circle before you read for others EVERY FUXING TIME?!

Hah. Suuuure... you're familiar with the whole S.O.P.'s of what we do.

Honey, I've been practicing far longer than before you even could grasp the idea that the Craft presents. And FYI *I* happen to be Eden's senior. And that darling kid is under the protection of a circle combined of the FIVE POINTS. *sardonic laugh* Do you even KNOW what the points are? Or do you veer farther into the dark than when I last spoke with you?

All I want to say is this, since I lack time in finishing this little novel lecture that is targeted at burning your ears to fuxing bits.

DO NOT SPEAK ANY MORE OF YOUR NONESENSE TO EDEN ELSE I HUNT YOU DOWN MYSELF AND BIND YOU OF YOUR POWERS

do not tempt me mon chere. If I must, I WILL bind you and no amout of chanting will return what you have lost.

2003-01-28T18:38:00.000-08:00

*swears loudly in every language she knows* EVEN THIS ONE ISN'T FUXING SHOWING UP?!!!

*growls low* ich. la salle is being stupid. the computers are now completely useless to me. ich. somebody must die.

________________________

anyway...i'll just go on ahead and rant about whatever it is i originally intended to rant about.

my class is going to limbo. ich. heaven knows why i even bother. i lose my apetite for EVERYTHING and ANYTHING when i have to suffer staying in the same room as them. *psh*

look, in all honestly, i have NOTHING against them...in fact, if things were bloody different i'd probably still hang around and fool around with the rest of them. the thing is--i don't. not anymore anyway. and if you, dear reader are one of the select few who i have deemed to tell why, you're fortunate.

can anybody puh-lease tell me why allofasudden the snickers and the teasing calls are up and at it again??

don't get me wrong--if i'm mistaken in this particular fact--i'd be thankful enough to go down on my hands and knees and praise the rising sun. but if i'm right...*dry laugh8 let's just say that i'm not in the slightest bit pleased with the idea of whatever farden issue they've so *dripping with sarcasm* sweetly and so conveniently drawn up for me...and...*coughs and chokes on the word* him.

*pauses for a moment to contemplate* here's my newest quiz...

Which Schwarz member are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

oh how...fitting. and to think, when i'm like this i could just enjoy wripping certain people limb from limb.

*flips long hair over her shoulder and returns to original topic*

A-N-Y-way...
*temper partially deflates as she sees craig's pix*

*shakes her good mood off*

NO! argh! this is mu fuxing rant blog! i can't go...*growls as MPD takes over*

Melina>> you couldn've let me blog in the other one, y'know...*pouts* i swear...i've been having a considerable amount of nightmares since...*blush* nevermind.

MiaD>> yes, ma chère i promise i will try to mutilate your niichan...*blinks* OUR niichan...when i get the chance. all the stupidty surrounding your m'eudail's choice of...preference (ed~turok ba?) is disturbing enough as it is. with all those...*those*... *narrows gaze* i will refrain from bringing the topics up for fear of my better side losing what thin thread is left of her sanity.

hmph.

where was i? --oh YEAH.

yesterday was an absolute killer with regards to what happened when i was about to go home. *psh* it's annoying, irritating and very, very disturbing to think that mcdonald's plastic cups just crack so suddenly at the side when all you did was run your palm lightly over the cover to make sure that it was closed properly.

yes, ladies and gentlemen--i got fuxing coke splattered over my jeans--my *favorite* jeans to boot! gr... and i can't even *explain* the nagging feeling that i got after i had the stupid thing changed for a more decent arrangement.

why, mes amis?

call me crazy, call me delusional and overly sunk in my beliefs...or whatever you choose to call it *snaps jaws in irritation*...but a certain imbecile was there at mcdo and the heat at the back of my neck implies that *glaring* is not even the proper word. ugh! shoot me now and get it over with.

*pauses* okay...not yet, huh?

look...it's a...snippet of information that the moron contradicted himself by expressing a certain degree of tolerance for my personal beliefs when we were together (ed~ good god! i'm actually *talking* about *that* facet of my life???)... and only lately has he expressed his... stand in stating (as mentioned in the previous entry) that MY beliefs, aren't REAL as far as his, theirs and everyone else's closed-minded standards are.

mama and i even got into a semi-spat because i confessed that i rarely make the sign of the cross anymore...which, by the way, i have returned to doing simply because she had a small point. i can *still* find comfort in God...even if i have chosen a different road.

DAMMIT ALL TO HELL AND BACK! all i want to rant about now is:

CAN'T I JUST BE WHAT I CHOOSE TO BE???

I'm completely different from the rest of my age-group (dispite some implications that i'm NOT)...and honestly, i want to do things the way i deem them best for me. heck! i don't go to the chapel down at the end of the second floor (neither does my darling charlie-cher by the way...) because the whole place reeks of a really disturbing aura

REMY>> word for the day: disturbing. ~ the act of being disturbed.

*glares* thank you for that tidbit, mon ami but i doubt that that was called for. ich.

next...look, frankly speaking...i don't know if i can stand being stifled in the 'norms' anymore...i'm constantly treading on eggshells since my deviation in choice of religion will be a sore topic should the rest of my family find out. *psh* i have no doubt that my dad's actually wondering and feeling the slightest discomfort knowing that i have 'A Witch's Runes' and 'Candlemagick' stacked behind candles and the gold, moon insence(ed~ spell check please?) burner on the shelf beneath my tv set.

he prolly wonders at my darker side these days...one that, thankfully, flip can relate to and tends to calm down. ich. can't i just be as angsty as i need to be without people asking questions left and right and constantly wondering what the hell happened to that nice little girl who used to be content in the background.

i'm sorry. but that particular little girl lost a lot of faith in certain things when she had to fend for herself in the midst of public ridicule in a school that her lighter side now actually appreciates since the both of them (consequently 'us') are out-of-the-friggin-atmosphere.

look. i know people happen to hate/dispise/feel uncomfortable with this aspect of who i am. heck! i wouldn't even flinch if they called me a neurotic bitch once in a while because right now--with all fuxing hell breaking loose--I HAVE HAD IT with being the fuxing ANTAGONIST.

slice me now please? because i just might snap one of these days and think to slaughter several people who have now earned my disgust. and darling? it takes a LOT to earn my disgust.

here's an example--> YOU (oh it would please me if you somehow knew just how much loathing i tamp down for your blasted sake!)--and your 'steady' thinking. NOTHING is right unless you accept it to be right. FUXING UNDERSTANDING? oh...*sardonic smile* do they tag you as that, ma chère? *dry laugh* yeah...suuuuuuuuure, ma petít--all because you boost their fuxing egos when things go wrong and they *need* the reassurance that they're right.

you feign tolerance for new things...but my choice of religion happens to fall under the category of farce, and blasphemy.

do you know how ridiculous your face looked when the Lillith theory came up? you just *can't* farden *think* any wider than three centimeters, can you?!

NEWSFLASH honey...*rolls eyes* (ed~ melina- greek for "honey"). there are so many other beliefs in the world. you'd know that mine in par-ti-cu-lar has a church in Europe and in the States. It's legit, love. don't get a heart attack over it.

next--> *growls in utter disgust* YOU. bullshit, and whatelse fall on you.

i can't believe that i actually *wanted* things to get better between the two of us. you're as narrowminded and as uninformed and as fuxing judgemental as the REST OF THEM! GOD! may i be compensated for curbing who i was for your benefit.

YES. *YOUR* fuxing benefit you bloody, insensitive SOD!

i only *speak* with you when i have no other farden choice on the matter! i don't do it for please, m'sweet...you're the cross i have to bear every, friggin', bloody day of my life. more so since you're ALWAYS the first to condemn what you *don't* know.

psh. i PITY (i seriously do...) the next woman who has the misfortune to fall for your charms. player. jerk. liar. asshole.

i am SO glad to be rid of you. --you NEVER ONCE understood who i was!--and you never...will. you're too makitid sa utak to realize that i have worked liked HECK to get where i am, to who i am, to overcome all the fears that i've had to face since i realized that i was free from the stupid cage i'd been trapped in back in my younger days.

i'm a fighter now, you moron! and i'm not ashamed of deviating from the flow that the rest of you conform to.

*laughs dryly* i don't claim to be completely unique. i'm not *that* just yet... but at least I know that there's a term to discribe who i am as a person.

it's called COMPLICATED and thoroughly COMPLEX, darling. and you never wanted that in your life.

'why complicate life any more than it already is?'

because mon ami:

nothing easy (or free) ever holds it's true value that's a little something taken from the Three Sisters Island trilogy: Dance Upon the Air spoken to darling Nell by Mia Devlin.

i've earned my spot. in hockey. in the hearts of my friends. and since i've known just how *much* I happen to matter--to my niichan, to athena, to my sister, to charlie-cher, maia and ekai...to my baby nenloth, my brother, my bestfriend--my MOM, and everyone else that really counts--

I DON'T NEED YOU. OR WANT YOU ANYWHERE IN MY LIFE.

ciao, baby...*blows a kiss* you win some, you lose some.

and you. lost. me.

2003-01-29T00:05:00.000-08:00

tweaking.

2003-01-28T17:26:00.000-08:00

okay...new rant.

*growls softly* first and foremost-->WHY DOESN'T MY MAIN BLOG SHOW UP IN THE FUXING COMPUTER SCREEN???

somebody puh-lease kick the system because for some inhuman reason, they've blocked out my blog because of my blogout links,. gr... *goes off to try something*

_____________________
*when it doesn't work*

who do i have to farden kill??? ich! talk about destroying a perfectly decent mood. gr. *glares at the computer* i'm going to go and edit this template now, if you don't mind. gr.

_____________________
*checks how the whole thing looks*

2003-01-21T17:23:00.000-08:00

BLOODY, FUXING, EVERLASTING HELL!!!

I SWEAR BY THE GODDESS!!! THE ONE THING I CANNOT STAND IS PLAIN, UNDILUTED IGNORANCE WRAPPED IN HOLIER-THAN-THOU-REASONING!

NOT A REAL RELIGION INDEED! hah! and *how* pray tell, mes amis would *YOU* define Religion?!?!

my mom sent me this after i so completely texted her in ALL CAPS my indignation at his retort--> it's not a *real* religion

Religion - A system of religious belief.
Creed. Denomination. FAITH. Sect.

*swears violently in filipino*

and what--pray tell, would anyone call how the Wiccan way of living is??? A farce!!!??? +@ng!n@!!! GO TO FARDEN HELL LARS! FAT LOT YOU KNOW ABOUT HOW TO RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE'S BELIEFS!

argh! it is my bane to live in a world--in a farden culture that judges so quick that they forget to respect the tiny little fact that other people will have a different set of beliefs! by the goddess! why is it that when you are *different* the of who consider themselves the *NORM* deicide to tell you that you're wrong!

and to think it all started because we were discussing what kind of movies were under the so-called Cinema2--which pertains to art films. one of my blockmates asked if Harry Potter was under that category and Ma'am said that it wasn't! and that the book--for all it's wonderful uniqueness was spreading to the youth that witchcraft was an okay thing!

which--i must add it is! it is NOT the workings of the devil...nor is it something that should be joked about! Harry Potter put that in the creative sense...something like The Wizard of Oz and yet *NOBODY* calls THAT bestselling book satanic!

goddamnit! all i'm asking is WHY--WHY?!?!

why do people choose to be so ignorant and unfeeling about things that do happen to matter to others!

We do not try to convert others to our beliefs. We only ask that we be respected for our beliefs! That we be given enough CONSIDERATION for what we consider as OURS!

Charlie just told me that she was on the LRT and twon girls caught sight of her pentagram and were whispering nastily about her--et lá! so be it! condemn us for our choices! and here i thought we were free to be who we were.

EQUALITY MY ASS!!! DISCRIMINATION! ALWAYS THAT! the Salem Witch Trials! The persecutions! and to think! who--WHO dammit massacred all those INNOCENTS but the Church itself! holier-than-thou! --honestly! I DON'T condemn the church...i won't *stoop* to their level:

...an' it harm none, do what ye will...

too bad not everyone can live by that.